Jump to content

Welcome to Second Shifters Forums
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

Outside perspective, please


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1
strange_quark

strange_quark

    The Enigma

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 220 posts
  • Location:The small places of the world
Hey,

I'm sorry if this is old tired territory, but, well... please read on a little bit. I read through dark_lenore's thread on bi-polar, and I guess it sounds pretty lame, but I finally felt like I needed to ask someone some questions.

I don't really know how to phrase things right, so pardon me if this rambles a bit.

Reading dark_lenore's posts felt like I was reading a lot of my own thoughts. I'm going crazy, a bit worse than normal lately. I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, and that there's no way out. I really, really hate myself. It sounds cliched and passionless when I see it written down like that, but it's a much more intense emotion that I know how to communicate. Words fail. I wake up every day feeling worthless, and the only way I can damp things is to just keep imagining myself outside of my body, beating myself. I feel like if I imagine it realistically enough, and strong enough, it will fix something. Usually, I just can't get out of bed. I just lie there like that for hours. It really sucks, but I don't know how I can realistically fix things. I stay up really late most nights, partially because I have a lot of work to do, and partially because the longer I put off going to sleep, the longer I have awake before I have to repeat the morning over again. If I'm tired enough, I don't even remember my dreams. Sometimes, lately a lot, I get some relief by actually hitting myself hard for a while. That's sounds stupid, I know. I can't explain it in any sort of rational way. I just feel like I deserve it, and that I'm doing the only right thing I can do. When I used to work at a normal job, this morning nonsense always made me late to work, and it was a huge source of tension. My bosses thought I was great, and super productive, once I was actually there, which is why they put up with my weird hours, but I was always getting into trouble over getting there late. Now I'm a grad student, so my hours are more flexible, so it mostly hasn't caused as much trouble. It's been starting to cause more trouble lately, but again, I'm very productive, and work very hard, and so people have a way with putting up with me. I guess the only way I have of fighting feeling worthless is to try and be superhuman at everything else I do. Of course I fail, but I try hard enough that... well... people think I really have everything super together. They just think that I'm chronically late.

The thing is, I'm not always this way. Sometimes, when everything is going good, I'm on top of the world. Sometimes that lasts for hours, sometimes, if I'm really lucky it can last for a month. In those times, I'm flying. My research flies, and I get more work done than seems possible. Most of my best ideas, research and ortherwise, come durring these times. Sometimes, everything is just stable. I don't feel much aside from general stress, and happy when I'm with my friends. I don't really remember when those times were, but I know it has happened.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember. As I kid, even in pre-school, I used to lie awake at night wishing I'd never been born. I couldn't understand why anybody loved me, and I wished that they didn't, because it didn't seem right that they did. When it got too bad, I hit myself. After I figured out that it bothered people, especially my mom, when she saw me upset, or hitting myself, I learned to keep it hidden. I don't think I ever told anyone about it until high school, and then I didn't tell them everything, just enough to help deal with what was going on at the time. It just never seemed fair to trouble people with my problems. Especially when it seemed like it was my job, my responsibility, to live with it alone. High school was pretty bad, but I had some good friends that were there for me, and that helped. I thought about killing myself a lot, and I got pretty close a few times, but I could never actually do it. My oldest sister died while I was in H.S., and it would have killed my parents if I had done something. Also, my mom was diagnosed w/ depression while I was in junior high (and later multiple personality disorder), and she was regularly trying to commit suicide. I felt that if I did anything to make anything worse for everyone, I would pretty much be the lowest form of life ever. So I just kept going. I've hidden everything so well that everyone thinks I'm this solid stable rock. I don't think at this point in my life most people would even believe me, and they certainly wouldn't understand it or put up with it, if I told them how things really are. When everything is great, and I'm flying high, I'm a bit quirky and random, but most of my friends are used to that, and just think that I can be gregarious and a bit random and flighty.

I met my wife when I was 16, and when I was with her for the first several years, I was almost always happy. Except for when we fought. I had a lot of baggage from my past, and she is the only person I've ever told almost everything to. She knows I get depressed at times, but I've never really told her how bad it can get. Whenever things get bad enough that I start hitting myself, or hitting against things, I find ways to make the damage not visible, so she doesn't know. If I've got bruises or abraisons, well... I'm a pretty active person, so I can just write them off to climbing injuries, and maybe a bike injury or something. I never tell her when I'm suicidal, because I know I'n not nearly selfish enough to actually go through with it. I love her too much, and I can't imagine hurting her, especially because I can't imagine what she could do to help, aside from just listen. Just listening, with no hope for actually improving me, seems like it would be a living hell. It rings hollow, but I guess I feel like in this case, ignorance is bliss, especially because her job is pretty stressful, so it's my job to be there for her, not the otehr way around. I talk with her about everything else, and share all other parts of my life, but not this. We got married pretty young, at 19, and she's pretty much the one thing in this life that I really cherish. I love the rest of my family, but even when I'm on top of the world, I would gladly give my life to save her life, if I needed to.

I guess for her sake, my family's sake, and her family's sake (I feel almost more a part of her family than my own), I've continued to keep my problems hidden. I can usually deal with it, and just bull on with life. I saw what it did to my family once my mom went into therapy, and it was devastating. Since I've lived almost 30 years this way, it seems like in the low points, like now, I should just be able to push through on my own, and everyone will be happy. Of couse I'm also scared about medicine and counceling, since I've seen what it's done to my mom's life, but I guess if it was just me, that part of it wouldn't stop me from getting help.

The one last complicating factor is that all my life, I've loved flying. It's always been a huge dream, and after college, I finally got my pilot's license. It's a major positive part of my life. I love being in the air (when I can afford it), and I can't bear the thought of it being taken away. However, in order to be a pilot, you've got to have a valid flight medical certificate, and one of the things that the FAA is very firm about in its regulations is that if you've been clinically diagnosed as bi-polar, your medical certificate will be denied. Period. So if I actually go look for help, I'm relatively certain I'll be diagnosed as bi-polar, and I'll loose one of the best things in my life. I know the reason for the regs. They worry that a depressed person will crash a plane to end their own life. They also worry that a manic person will feel invincible, and make really poor judgements about flying (like flying in iffy weather, or simply flying in situations that are beyond their ability to effectively deal with). I know myself pretty well. I'm too controlled to fly when things are really bad, and I've got too much of an iron clamp on my actions (and too much concern for other people) to do any flying when I think I could pose a risk. At least I feel that way. I know a psychologist would be skeptical.

Anyway, I guess the reason I'm saying all this is because things have been really bad lately. I feel like I'm going to explode. I've got so much stress with school and research, I'm flying in 1000 directions. Being depressed is just making everything worse, which in turn is feeding being depressed. I'm totally unproductive, I'm just barely staying afloat, and trying not to let anyone know, and I just feel worse that I can't seem to do everything anymore. My research is really suffering, and I'm trying not to let my advisor know how behind I'm getting. I've been doing several all nighters a week just to try and stay afloat. I think I can keep it together, but it's been seeming like too much lately. When I do go to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night despising myself for being so behind. I constantly wish that I'd never been born, or that my parents hadn't loved me, but instead had just beaten me to death. It I can't stand it, I'll go to another room and lie on the floor, away from my wife so she won't hear me moving, or especially hurting myself. Since she's used to me working late hours, she doesn't notice me leaving, so at least that's good. I find myself at the oddest times, even when I'm busy, and not actively feeling depressed, wanting to hit myself. Of course I think about suicide a lot, but I know I can't do that. I can't tell my wife, because it would devastate her. I can't seek help, because my wife, and family, would find out and I'd also loose my pilot's license. I feel like I've got no options. I know that must sound really stupid, and I agree, but I don't know what to do.

So... I guess if anyone has any ideas, any suggestions, I'll take anything I can get. This is the only way I can think of to ask for help. This is the first time I've ever talked this much, or this candidly, about things. I'm sorry it was so long and rambling. I guess even if you don't have any advice, thanks for listening all the same.
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain

#2
X_Morbid_X

X_Morbid_X

    Yertle The Turtle

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 115 posts
  • Location:Florida
  • Interests:Yeah I pretty much like doing everything at least once....I am open to most things...Ask me and I will more than likely do it...Yep...
I have just read this entire thread SQ...Here is how I feel about this...I used to feel sort of similar to how you feel now...It sucks eh? WHat I used to do was find friends...But then it didnt work out...Now I hang out online ALL day...Everyone online loves me for who I am...Everything feels good online...You will love it! Find someone to talk to on here....Tell them how things are going in life! I am positive if you find the right person...(anyone in #darksites.com chat) You will be able to let out emotion and feel much better! Listen to me...Get a stress ball man...Ok well listen up...If you ever need anything IM me on MSN....JPgecko13@cs.com on MSN man...I am willing to talk to you bout almost anything! Later!

#3
n_joy_n_sorrow

n_joy_n_sorrow

    Friends don't let friends kill people.?

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 43 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Indiana
  • Interests:HvZ, nerf guns, graduating college, Islam, music, concerts, things.
That sounds like pretty good advice. Yes, you can always talk to any of us online. I understand your worrys about having bipolar disorder but it never hurts to know for sure and maybe try some medication. who knows, maybe after a few weeks or months of taking the medication you won't show symptoms anymore.
I'm shocked to hear that the FAA would restric due to a mental illness. I'd assume that was confidential and not to be discriminated against. Although I understand the FAAs concerns, I don't see how that isn't discrimination and I wonder if there's anything being done to outrule this.
Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death." -Nny
"touching, informative, inspirational, secondshifters"

#4
strange_quark

strange_quark

    The Enigma

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 220 posts
  • Location:The small places of the world
Thanks for the responses. It actually helps to just finally say something, and hear another voice.

X_Morbid_X - Thank you for the offer. I may take you up on it at some point. It is very kind of you.

Water - I don't know too much about anxiety disorders actually, so thank you much for the pointer. I will do some research. I may also go talk to some people in the counceling center here at school. At least if I think it can be just talk at first. No clinical diagnosis :( Unfortunately, I don't have a physician who I see, since I don't much trust doctors, and I avoid them when possible. As for the FAA, they will deny the medical if they see (directly from their regs): Depression, Psychosis, Bipolar disorder, Personality disorder that is severe enough to have repeatedly manifested itself by overt acts. NOTE: There is some language in the regs that suggests that there is some leeway depending on severity of problem, and possible recovery after treatment. The regs are pretty vague, so it's hard to know. Since 9/11, the FAA has generally come down against pilots, and on the side of safety. Thank you so much for posting! :)

n_joy_n_sorrow - Yeah, sometimes I think about how unbelievably great it would be if counceling or something worked, and I could just be my weird self. As for the FAA, it is still pretty confidential, as only a flight medical examiner (a normal doctor, who just happens to be certified by the FAA as well) sees your records, and the reason for denial is (I think) confidential. Still, I think that the FAA regs are harmful as written, and would do more good for everyone if they were more clear, and more hopeful. I suspect that there are other people out there also avoiding treatment out of fear of what it may cost them. Thank you! :)

Again, I just want to say thanks for the posts and the help. I really appreciate it. It's funny... today I feel pretty good. Maybe it was posting something. I also spent some time writing last night, which was really good. I forget how powerful writing is. I swing back and forth pretty fast, but who knows. Maybe this'll last all weekend? Here's hoping...
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain

#5
magai

magai

    Horton Hatches The Egg

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 7 posts
I guess there is comfort in the darkness after all. How ironic
but funny anyway then look you always have us to lean on if you need to.
We are always willing to listen....

#6
[}D@rK{]Warrior

[}D@rK{]Warrior

    Swords are fun

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 234 posts
  • Location:St.Charles,Missouri
  • Interests:BMX, Programming, Photography, Science, Art, Music (instrumental), Poetry, baseball, football, and too many other dmn things to do in life!
Hmmm "The darkest people are the most comforting.", sounds like a very revolutionary idea, (quickly wipes memory of it) So where was I?
If you can't hit it then stop firing, the sound is hurting my ears.
Sex is soooo abused.
Shoot your friends, not yourself.
Find comfort within yourself, because most people DON'T CARE!
Take careful notice that when i say lol i usually say it when something is slightly funny, no i am not always laughing, lol... ooops.... DMN IT!
All instruments need to be able to play in the bass cleft.
Computers are your friends, unless you're in a terminator movie; then you need to run.
Physcology is a wasted profession, but hey... it's Fun!
Hypocracy is sooo annoying.
Everything needs to bite just as hard as SecondShifters.
Suicide is an act of cowardice.
Know what's scary? Is that my signature is usually longer than my posts.
If you spent the time to read all of this, you've earned my utmost respect.
I'm also running out of breath, so I'll shutup now (pant)
user posted image

#7
strange_quark

strange_quark

    The Enigma

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 220 posts
  • Location:The small places of the world
It's been a long fucking week.

I shaved my head last night. I'm not sure why. I guess I was just sick of my hair. It's always nice to have a change of pace. I guess I wanted to look different. Better. I don't know. Anyway... the hair's gone. Unfortunately, and I should have seen this coming, all the fucking bruises on my goddamn skull show up real nice now too. Since it's been a while since I've been totally without hair, most of the skin is white, but there are some nice yellow/purple patches added in for color. Damn. I REALLY don't feel like explaining that to people in addition to everything else going on. At least I own a lot of hats. Cool hats. Maybe this is a good excuse to get some more. Maybe that'll be a good way to cheer up tomorrow... hat shopping!

I'm tired. Not tired in the go to sleep sense, just goddamn fucking tired of everything. I've actually fucking thought about suicide a lot this week. Not that I'd actually ever do it, I've made that decision for sure. Still my mind just takes the thought and toys with it, like a cat with a mouse. It won't let it go. I'm going to have some trouble explaining the cuts and bruises when my wife gets back from vacation too. Fuck. Damn I hate these moods. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Yeah. That felt good. Too bad it would wake the neighbors (not to mention get the police here) if I actually just screamed out loud like that. Heh. That'd surprise 'em. "But he was such a nice quiet boy...".

Oh well. I needed to rant some I guess. Sorry :(
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users