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Chemical Imbalance?


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7 replies to this topic

#1
suicidalpiety

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I can honestly say that I've had a decent life - good mom, good home, good school... the whole nine yards. Well, I've only recently 'recovered' from a year worth of 'chemical imbalance' aka, clinical depression, and find I am bitter and cruel towards others even when I don't mean to. I don't know what to do really, and an emptiness still lingers. I can feel what was decaying in me disappearing, the part you try to cut out of yourself, but something else is growing and I'm afraid of what it is.

The world is a confusing enough place, I shouldn't confuse myself. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and an opportunity to change schools and go into journalism or writing as a career, which is what I wanted, but I dont' want to move seven hours away from him just to go to a school when I'm already in a great university. What do I do about that? Blargh.

I imagine by writing this I want more sympathy than advice, but I'd like to know what you would do in my situation. I mean, I believe I 'love' him, as far as that whole 'love' theory goes. And I don't want to mess it up, I want to be here and with him, and have no real ambition to leave besides this course that will take four years to finish. I plan on being married in four years. Coy.... coy is all I have to say.

#2
strange_quark

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Depression is a bitch. No two ways about it. On the up side, it sounds like it's something that's relatively new to you (i.e. only in the last year or two). To me at least (and I'm certainly NOT an expert), that's a lot more encouraging than if it had been there your whole life. It means that you have a whole life of feeling stable to draw on, which I imagine would really help. Maybe I'm just being optimistic (I'm an incurable optimist most of the time), but I imagine that the bitterness and cruelty is probably just a passing thing. I can guess all sorts of things that might cause it, but don't really want to speculate since I don't know very much about your situation.

As far as the emptyness, I know what you mean. When you don't feel depressed, after you have felt that way for a long time, it seems like you've lost a part of yourself. In a sick sort of way... sometimes you almost want it back because it feels normal. As far as what is growing to replace that emptyness, I think you may have a bit of a choice about what is going to replace it. I think that the attitude you face the world with can totally shape your emotions as well. That probably sounds pretty circular, but what I mean is that if you consciously choose to have a good attitude about things, it can dramatically improve your mood, and even alter your personality over time. I said before that I am an optimist, and that is largely because I very much choose to be one. It is often hard, but I think that in the long run it makes my life better. Perhaps the same thing could apply to you as well.

After reading over that last paragraph, it might seem somewhat off-topic, but I guess I'm trying to say that it is completely understandable that you're afraid of what might replace your emptiness, however you can probably help shape what it is that replaces it. You are NOT powerless to affect your moods and your personality.

I don't know if any of that helps, but I sincerely hope it does.

As for your dilema about college, I don't know that I have a lot of good advice to offer. I was in the same situation when I was graduating high school, so I guess I'll tell you what my choice was, and how it has turned out. My girlfriend (now my wife) and I had been dating for two years, and I had the chance to go to some very good schools that were a long way away. That would have meant a long distance relationship, and probably we would have split up in the long run (at least statistically speaking). So instead, I took the safe route, and I went to the hometown college (which happened to be a University of California, so it wasn't too shabby either). I got a good education, but not 1st in the nation or anything. My wife and I stayed together, and we are still together almost 10 years later. A few years ago, I decided to go back to grad school, and my wife agreed, so we moved out of town to a new city, and I am following my dreams. I guess the moral of the story is that you are pretty young (probably), so you've got a lot of life ahead of you. If your relationship with your boyfriend is super important to you, then go with that. You will always have the chance down the road to take other opportunities for schools or jobs, but this may be your only opportunity to make it work with him. It's not that long distance relationships can't work, I've just seen that most don't.

Anyway, I guess I wrote a lot, and maybe didn't say all that much, but I wish you the very best, and personally, I think you'll land on your feet. It seems like you've got good prospects, and a good background to draw on for strength. Not insignificantly, it also sounds like you've got a good boyfriend that you really care about, who probably helps support you emotionally a good deal.

Best wishes!
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain

#3
immortal_thin

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I don't think there is anything I can add, Strange_Quark said it all,
such wise words. But I did want to thank you for writing your post,
I imagine it wasn't easy, hopefully it help you just by writing it.

Also I like to lend you a shoulder should you need it, I've been suffering
from depression for several years... (don't worry, not all depression, clinical or otherwise last to long) I guess I love my own morbidity (sp? if that is even a word)
ok, I'll shut up now.

PM or e-mail if you have something to say or ask. Everyone needs ears.
Take care.
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#4
strange_quark

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Ditto to what immortal_thin said. I've dealt with heavy depression on and off my whole life, and don't like to see anyone else having to struggle with it. If there is anything I can do to help, even just listening on chat or PM, please let me know. I'm happy to help in any way I can. So too are many of the other people here at secondshifters.
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain

#5
Vore

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Churchill suffered from clinical deppression...he called it 'My black dog' or something...he and many others prove that not only can you live with it (even before the days when we knew what 'it' was) but you can do anything or even more than anyone else can...you have a unique perspective so use it for your advantage.

...not like Edger Allen Poe though...
Please allow me to introduce myself...I'm a man of wealth and taste:Sympathy for the Devil

'Illa fuga rupes, et loca tuta petit.'

http://vore.deviantart.com/

#6
suicidalpiety

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Thanks for the aid. The advice is great. I don't really let the 'depression' get in my way of life, but again, in some ways, I think we all enjoy being tragic, and I have always had a tendency to be more dark than others I have known. So perhaps part of it is the serotonin level in my brain - as a result of death and other such problems - and perhaps part of it is just my natural oddity. But thanks for the kindness, and offers for talking. I really think I've recovered most of my life spent heavily depressed. And as much as I use it for my writing, that's all I can write. I cannot write peaceful, happy or even gorgeous things without adding a touch of macabre there or misery there. It's rather disturbing, at least to some, but that is the way it is.

Anyways, I'm babbling. Thanks for the advice.

#7
ghaash

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my dad has all that shit

#8
Vore

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your avi kicks ass...
Please allow me to introduce myself...I'm a man of wealth and taste:Sympathy for the Devil

'Illa fuga rupes, et loca tuta petit.'

http://vore.deviantart.com/




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