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home life really really bad

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    Horton Hatches The Egg

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I feel like a loser for whining about my problems, but I dont know where to turn. I have friends, but they are all really different to me and have such perfect families and pefect lives and perfect grades they wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about if I told them about my problems. Some of the stuff I hsave told people before, but some I never have, because I feel like poeple will think its a reflection on my character in some way. Anyway, I know most people have preoblems with their parents, but my problems aren't the standard ones. Well I dont know my dad becuase he f*cked off when I was about 1, he lives in a neighbouring town but I have never met him or heard from him, hes a manic depressive or something apparantly. And my mum is such a psycho b*tch there is no way to describe who f*cked up she is. She is so evil and twisted its just sick, she always calls the police on me, for literally no reason, she just does it then when they come she tells them I have been being violent, I've got criminal charges against me now which is so screwed up because I am so not violent, I never ever hit I'm not like that at all because I dont want to ever be like my mother who is a violent cow, who hits me all the time and used to totaly beat the cr@p out of me. Shes a f*cking pedo aswell who usued to toally violate me when I was younger, I dont want to go into it it makes me physically sick, and I know she used to do the same to at least my brother, and she used to beat up both my brother and my sister, but they both refuse to admit it and claim that mum never hit us, they are totally brainwashed and they are sooo horrible to me and I cant do anything back because my mother will just call the police on me again and I'll have to go back to the cells for a night. I have no bedroom door, they kicked it in, they I put up a new one but they smashed it up, and I can't even listen to music or watch T.V most of the time because my older sister says 'I dont deserve it' and comes into my room and starts smashing things and thumping me, I hardly ever get any proper food I live on chocolate which I buy with spare change. And they (my bother, sister and mum) have these regular kind of, ritual humilation of me sessions, where they all come into my room and start mocking me and ripping up all my stuff which they claim is cr@p just like me, and they go on for literally hours just ripping apart everything that is me, they b*tch about the way I talk, my accent, the words I use, the way I walk, my body, my face, my clothes, how I do at school (even though my mum was a drop-out, my brother has dropped-out even though hes not even 15, and my sister only got two highers and has been on her 'gap year' for three years now), the people I hang out with (who they claim arent really friends anyway), they go on and on about what a failure I am and how ugly and how no body likes me I may aswell kill myself, and they smash my stuff and mess up my room and slap and kick me. They are so evil its sick. They are actually trying to get me to kill myself. I suffered from depression for a long long time, like severe dpression where I all I wanted to do was die, and I ended up bursting into tears infront of my 'family' and telling them and from then on it got even worse. I guess I am still depressed but not as bad as before. I am determined to get through this, to not kill myself, which I used to want to do so much but didnt only for fear that hell(i'm a christian) would just be this for eternity. They are just so horrible to me and hate me so much its just sick. My mother has even had me up against the wall with a meat knife to my neck, on more than one occassion. Thankfully now I stay with my grandmother for a few days in the week, as my school work has been starting to really suffer due to the fact I never get any proper food, or any sleep (they all stay up untill like 3 am with really loud music on) at home, but I still have to stay with them for the rest of the week. I dont know what to do I feel like running away so much, but then all my hard work at school would go down the drain and I would just be letting them win. I have tried to tell adults, I told the police but they were just really bitchy and horrible to me, and I have told a doctor but they didnt take it seriously. I had to go see this doctor becuase my mum called up the hospital one night claiming I had gone mental or something, and I had to go to the psychiatric section where they interviewed me alone, and my mum alone. I even heard the doctor on the phone after wards(he left the door to his office open by mistake) saying that he was sure I was fine, but that he wasn;t sure about my mum. Then she got angry and told him off, so we had to go see some psychiatric nurse and he just kind of said I had to bear with it. No one is taking it seriously and I feel so helpless and like I just can't take it anymore. I dont know what I expect from this but just getting it off my chest is a help. Thanks for taking the time out to read this.




    Horton Hatches The Egg

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Wow, seems like quite a predicament, if you can get me actuall proof. Specific dates, events, witnesses, we could go about seeing if we could get a case to get you out of their care. But a lot of the foster places have people just like that, too many of them "help" out only for the check from the government. But you might strike it lucky, and it doesn't seem like things can get very worse from there. Get in contact with me if you want to talk this out, pm me or something, and we'll see what can be done.



    The Enigma

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I hope this helps, but whatever I say, it sounds like you are going to have a really rough time. First and foremost, you should call CPA (child protective services). Their job is to intervene in situations like yours and move you somewhere that is safe for you. It sounds like there is a long and well documented history of serious strife between you and your family, and it seems likely that CPA would try to find somewhere else for you to live.

I think you have a good attitude about things. You want to stay alive, that's the most important thing. You want to stay in school, that's also really key. That's your ticket out. There is one thing I would caution you about though. You may be perfectly fine, but given what you've been through, at some point it would probably be really good for you to talk to a councilor. There are probably a lot of things that would be good to talk with someone about face to face in a relaxed setting. Maybe this isn't something you'll be able to do anytime soon (maybe not even until you make it to college), but eventually, I think it could be really good for you.

So... back to CPA. The problem here is that the sort of place they find for you to live may not be all that great either (although probably a lot better than where you are). The options are (usually): (1) family, such as your grandmother, (2) foster care (although depending on your age, they may not go this route) and (3) a group home.

Family would probably be the best for you, but that may be tough to swing for your grandmother financially, I don't know. Is it possible that your dad left to avoid your mom, and he's actually a good guy after all? I suspect that since you've never once met him, he probably isn't that good of a guy, but still... maybe he would be better to live with than your mom?

Foster care can be really good I think. It's hard to say though. My impression is that, although you hear a lot of foster care horror stories, foster care is still mostly good, you just need a good fit between kid and family. Based on your history though, I must warn you that any foster care provider (or group home for that matter) may be cautious of you at first. This is because all stories have two sides, and although your side of the story is very compelling, they will be cautious without first hearing your mother's side of the story as well. You should probably be prepared for that, but please don't let that stop you from giving it a fair chance. I think if you go in with a good attitude and an open heart, they would probably be good for you.

Lastly the group home. If you are in high school, this is probably also a good option. The downside of group homes (from the people I've met who've lived in them) is that you don't get much personal attention, and some of the other people living there can be very troubled. It certainly isn't as good as living with a loving family, but it is probably a LOT better than living with you mom and siblings. A group home would allow you to finish high school with your friends, and have a (relatively) stable place to live. You would get regular meals, and most importantly, a break from your mom and siblings.

I think no matter what you need to find somewhere else to live. Make sure that CPA knows just how desperate you are. Let them know about your family pressuring you to commit suicide, and about your considering it. Let them know how much you think about running away. Be honest with them. Tell them that they are one of your last chances. They can't always help, but they usually try very hard.

I wish you the very best luck, and if you ever want to talk, or need some help, please feel free to contact me or anyone else here.
faster, faster, faster you run, but no matter how fast you run, you can never leave yourself behind... but there is something worthwhile in the struggle, something that may one day redefine the self

"Man is not so much a rational being, as a rationalizing being" - Robert Heinlein

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - Mark Twain



    Horton Hears A Who

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Definately follow Quark's advice. That sounds like the best route that you can go. Have you told your grandmother about any of these problems? If so, does she do or say anything? If you haven't, you might want to consider trying it. She may let you stay with her longer, or all-out adopt you, if she is able.

If not, go with Child Protection. Adults are very arrogant to situations, and I despise psychiatrists almost as much as cops. When I was 13, I was raped by four people, then forced to perform other acts of sexual pleasure for them. If I didn't, they'd beat the crap out of me, and that didn't sound very pretty to me, especially since I was already being beaten by my peers at least once a week. They got caught, and I got in trouble for it, had to go to court, got put on probation, all the fun stuff. Adults don't like to hear about things that scare them, that may cause their conscience a bit of unrest.

Even if you do get a "bad" foster parent, from what I have seen and from what I have read in your message, it will be better than your current situation. A lot of the foster horror stories are just that -- works of fiction created to scare people. The worse I've seen are some people who just go for the check, make their kids work a lot, but otherwise take decent care of them (by this I mean feeding them, clothing them, letting them get rest, that sort of thing.) Not exactly the best scenario, but in most likelyhood fairly rare, but better than you're at now.

I truly hope that it all works out for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, my friend. PM or E-mail any time you desire, if you ever want to talk to someone.


PS: Remember that suicide is never a way out. What goes down must go up. Who's to say that this isn't just your test, my friend? Everyone goes through one, some earlier than others, some harder than others. The one thing that ever kept me from ending my life during a time when I felt ashamed, and hatred towards myself: What will it be like in ten years?

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