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how i gathered the ingredients for a better life


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#1
n_joy_n_sorrow

n_joy_n_sorrow

    Friends don't let friends kill people.?

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Sometimes I sit alone and wonder if I grew up too fast. I look in the mirror and I don't see a sixteen year old girl. I don't see all of the detail of my face or all the beauty I have today. Instead I see all the things I once was. I see my past. I see myself in every age I've passed, looking into the mirror trying to see some reality. I've spent a great deal of my life looking into the mirror, not just looking into the image before me, but looking into the past or the future.
Who would have thought I'd turn out the way I am today? As a child I'd look into the mirror and see a princess; a beautiful little girl who was going to be someone someday. Not once as a child did I look into the mirror and see a bruised face and neck. Not once as a child did I look into the mirror and see a gaunt, pale, thirteen year old trying to hang herself with the cord of a curling iron because she couldn't face that thing in the mirror or the ugliness of her life. I never looked into the mirror and saw a runaway. I never looked into the mirror and saw homelesness. I couldn't even picture the girl looking into a cracked mirror trying to tell if she was still a virgin after she had been raped. I had no idea I was looking at a girl who by the age of thirteen discover the pleasures of self-mutilation; who would enter a realm of need, the need to feel and see her pain. I haden't the slightest clue I was looking at a girl wou would swallow a bottle of asprin and end up in a hospital bed for a week, clinging to her 30 percent chance of a new life, all over a boy who broke what she had left of a heart. To be that innocent again, to lavish in that ignorance once more, I'd give anything.
Here I am, a little over five months I'm seventeen staring at a reflection doing just that: reflecting. And I'm compleatly puzzled. Shouldn't I know who I am by now? I'm standing before a mirror in a tiny bedroom in the house I spent most of my life in. Down the hall is the father of mine who used to beat my mother...who used to beat me. A lot has changed since then. Everyone has changed. Yet I still can't see how I've changed. I stll hold all of those ugly memories in my mind. My skin still bares scars and my insides still show evidence of self-inflicted abuse. If there was a way to erase all of this, would I feel any different?
I still face the same mirror I did all of those years ago, still dreaming of that better life. The only difference I can tell is that while I can always dream of a better life, I now have the strength to make a better life.
Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death." -Nny
"touching, informative, inspirational, secondshifters"

#2
Enki Anunaki

Enki Anunaki

    Necromancer Extraordinaire

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i can relate....your method of analyzation is very interesting indeed...i hope you can heal...

#3
n_joy_n_sorrow

n_joy_n_sorrow

    Friends don't let friends kill people.?

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Thank you. Sometimes I think I overanalyz things. Thanks again, I hope I heal as well. I've been writing a lot about things in my life that I've been wanting to forget. Facing the problem (like facing yourself in the mirror) is how you really overcome whats plauging you. It's hard work but what I've learned is that you longer you keep something hidden away the worse it becomes. Out of sight out of mind isen't the answer. In fact, it's worse out of your sight. When you can't see what's going on you have no way of controling it or having any say in its outcome. When you push a problem behind you without dealing with it, you're just giving it the chance to morphe into something bigger and uglier than yourself. All I can say is that it's never too late. I've pushed things behind me and now I'm confronting them head on. It's going to take some strength but I will defeat the monster.
That's my advice.
Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death." -Nny
"touching, informative, inspirational, secondshifters"




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