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Beginner writer


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#1
whiteblade39

whiteblade39

    Horton Hatches The Egg

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im beggining to write fiction stories and would appreciate feedback.here is one of them that im starting, its called Journey of the Heart.

an army of ten thousand marched towards the docks on this cold day. the lake remains frozen in our secluded grove, limiting travel. but they were not there for travel by ship, nor by sled. they were there to fight. in the sky, their victim could be seen, although from many miles away, it still was no smaller than the palm of ones hand. it was a great black wyrm, the kind that nanna's use to scare children to stay inside at night. even from my vantage point, at the summit of Mt.Gonshid, its eyes were immistakingly red as blood, scales gleaming in the moonlit night.within moments, they were upon its gargantuan form, looseing arrows, hurling lances, striking out with swords, axes, and many other weapons. they seemed out matched, but alas, when the dawn was born, the creature plunged into the unforgiving winter depths of lake gongarla, the ice giving way and sending icy daggers across the village. the dragon gone, but only one last man remained standing on the shores of that unforgiving lake i began the decent, and headed for home. ah, yes. home. nothing but that. a place of warmth and comfort.

almost there, i thought panting. in the road, ten feet from my house was djenn (jenn(purnounciation)), my friend since such a value was known to a being, from the age of crawling, stuttering, and learning. Thunk! thwack! THUNK! a sound coming from the gongarla. thwack, thunk, THWACK! it came again! running now, i shouted "run djenn!! run! " but all to no avail, i was too far away. sprinting with all my heart, my lungs near bursting as it was, i shouted again, and again came that sound. THRUNK! THWAP! THUNK!!! soon,i was within shouting range, but with no breath left to yell. CRAAASSSSHHHH!! icy daggers again took to the air, the black menace emerging! "DJENNN!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!" the dragon grasped her , its tail spiraling behind it as it flung itself into flight, it had dinner, but instead, Its giant blood red pulsing eye was fixed not on djenn, nor what lay ahead. but instead, it was staring at me as if to say "there is nothing you can do foolish man, give up, she is gone."


I sat bolt up-right in bed, the dream came again, for the twenty-sixth time this month. three years, thats how long its been. three years and it still haunts me, to this very day. i readied for the hunt, and donned my hood, strapping a spear and sword to my back. although the sword was no tool for a hunt, every boy of seventeen knows that danger lurks beyond our grove. and besides, i wont be hunting just bear, deer, or boar for that matter. i'm hunting dragon.

i left the protection of the grove that is the town of indarwen at first light, heading to the mountain. the mountain of no return. I looked to the east. telltale wispsof smoke were seen rising into the endless sea of blue that is the sky. and east, i went, crossing rivers and streams, climbing over logs and lowering myself down cliffs. always heading east.

nothing could stop me, i went fast and steady, cutting down anything that got in my way. i came across several large caves, but alas all of them empty. i knew this area well, and knew that only one cave large enough to house the scaly mass of the black dragon remained. and that was my destination, and, little did i know, my destiny. so off i went, to reach this cave and slay the dragon, or die trying. Die? the thought hadnt occured to me before. that i might just die in vain, before the vengence i'd sought for so long. die, i could die in this fight. in fact,, it is very likely that i'll die.this is a dragon im talking about, not some bear or something. once, i heard something from an old man. he'd said "everything returns to the darkness. the darkness of death." death is simple, a mere discontinuation of life, and abrupt stop in ones being. death. a single word, it rang through my soul like long tendrils of darkness, seeking to smother me in their might. i musnt let them claim me!!! i must not!!! and with those thoughts, i cleared my mind. confidence could be an issue. but it was too late now, for the cave loomed overhead. blocking out the sun. and i traveled in. into the darkness. darkness almost as dark as death....


chapter two. truth: the journey begins.

nothing could prepare me for this, this stench. nothing could prepare me for the retched sight of the dragon. its eyes were a retched orange. the dragon was wounded. the dragon was sick. the dragon was old. the dragon was dieing... well, then i must end its misery, to end my own. for nothing short of this creatures death could quench my thirst for vengeance. "hear me you foul beast!" i shouted, " three years ago, you carried off my friend to your layer for a snack. but now, YOU are the victim. and if you're lucky, maybe some starving animal shall gnaw on your bones, for it is your turn to die."

"Your friend you say? i dont seem to recall...." i gasped in exclamation. the dragon talked!! never had this idea occured in his wildest dreams. but now the beast continued... " ah yes, the young girl standing in the road.... i didnt kill her. or eat her for that matter, but she would have made a rather tasty snack..."

"lies!!you killed her! and if you didnt, what did you do with her? i saw you carry her off foul beast!"
"i took her to look after my young you imbecile! what did you expect me to do!?! stay at home all day? i had to feed them. you sure are rude. but if it would make a difference, she is still ali-" the dragon was cut short by the cry of rage and fury as i screamed "Lies!!all lies!!" and charged, sword already in hand.... I dont remember much of that battle, only that i lost horribly and was tossed into some cell in the back of the den like a rag doll. I dont remember much of that battle, because i didnt fight it. something else inside of me did. that something, wasnt human.

I awoke, i assumed it was dawn because there was light filtering in between cracks in the walls. i looked around. there was a nest of stone, some shackles on the wall, and a door to what seemed to be the east. upon furhter inspection, though my body ached horribly, the nest was full of broken eggshels, and curled around those eggshells was the body of....djenn!! The dragon was telling the truth! she IS here! but is she alive? she's not moving, and... wait! a slight movement cought my eye, but i dismissed it as my eyes paying tricks on me. There it is again! her chest rose slowly, and fell. she was breathing! she's allive!! I moved closer. her clothes were in rags about her and had been patched many times. But none of that mattered, she is alive!!!
"djenn!" i tried to say, but all that came out from my mouth was an undecipherable croak. but it worked! she was waking...

"mmmmmnnnnhhh.....huh!?! who are you! what are you doing here? stay away from me!" she screamed at me.

"djenn! Djenn, its me! its me, kyros! dont you remember me?"

"kyros... it cant be! how did you get here!?! are you alright?" she gasped, "oh no! you're hurt!"

"oh no, its only a scratch," came my reply. she leaned against the wall, stunned by my appearance.

"...Youve changed. youve changed so much...and thats more than a scratch!"

"its mostly dried blood. i got it from the dragon. its nothing realy." by the nine pits of the abyss! it hurts!

"its nice to see you again," she sobbed, "all ive seen for three long years is that dragon and its horrid spawn! but how did you get here?"

as we sat and talked i explained my story and how ever since she was taken i'd devoted my life to revenge... we talked of escape, but there was no hope, the door led to a sheer drop of atleast 1000 feet...no, there was no escape from this abbysal cell. days passed. Djenn was thankfull for company, and many a time in those weeks i lent her my sholder to cry on. for meals, every day, the dragonlings brought down three rabbits and started a fire. one for each meal of the day, though they tasted as if they'd been pulled from a big pile of- thunk! What in the holy temple was that! thunk! there it is again! the strange sound seemed to be coming from a corner of the room. and all of the sudden six heavily armed carrion men burst through the wall. carrion men are lizard like humanoids who willl eat anything and are not particularly bright.... What are they doing here? how did they get here!?! How!how!how! but soon, the darkness became an endless oblivion, for we were knocked unconcious and carried away....

#2
xSDx

xSDx

    Yertle The Turtle

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  • Interests:My name is Kristen, but call me SD. Everyone else does.<br><br>I'm a dark fiction writer as well as a good friend ... so long as you're good to me.<br><br>I read when I can, watch horror films, listen to various types of music and bands, talk with my friends, and go to school. Not in any particular order.<br><br>I'm anal when it comes to heavy smokers and alcoholics. To me, unless you have a god damned good reason why you're doing either or both, you shouldn't be doing them at all.<br><br>I'm also very opinionated. Unless you want to get me started, you best know which topics I get heated on and never bring them up when I'm around.<br><br>And, of course, I have a low tolerance for a lot people. It could be from the ever increasing level of stupidity, ignorance, and immaturity, but hey, you never know.<br><br>And the number on thing that pisses me off? People who can't write worth CRAP and yet think they're the best out there. No.<br><br>Take it easy now, most the time I'm nice and easy to get along with. So don't think I'm some tough, stuck up brat because I'm not. I have a reason to be the way I am.<br><br>:]
I think it's good, but watch for spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. Also, you should put the dialogue on separate lines and not in the paragraphs.

Edited by xSDx, 08 December 2004 - 10:32 PM.


#3
Aphotic

Aphotic

    Green Eggs And Ham

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whoa, take your time, it's very rushed. Take some time to paint the scene a little better, be descriptive to all senses, describe sight, sound, texture, and smells. Metaphors would help alot in creating imagery. Not a bad start, but definately needs some work, try having someone experienced in literature proof read everything for you. Finally, go a little more in-depth with the characters and give the reader some background info. Hope this helps.

Edited by Aphotic, 09 December 2004 - 01:09 AM.


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#4
whiteblade39

whiteblade39

    Horton Hatches The Egg

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Its not finished, iv got more to it, but thats tha bad parts, i need to redo them. il post the edited version in a few days.




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