Jump to content

Welcome to Second Shifters Forums
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

Joke Thread


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1
Tool

Tool

    Gothic Angst

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 163 posts
  • Location:Somewhere on my network
I'll start with one I heard today.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man." Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's
a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer
reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly,
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed
that moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped
at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds
later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is STILL
ALIVE!!!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I
can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath ... "Unhook ... my ... suspenders
... from ... your ... side-view mirror."

#2
Opticallusion

Opticallusion

    The Cat In The Hat Comes Back

  • Forum Moderator
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,372 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:here
This is a fairly gross redneck joke.

Two redneck guys walk into a bar and look around to see if they know any one in there. As their looking around, they notice a woman in the back who looks like she's choking. The two rednecks mosey(wander) to the back and the first redneck goes "Ma'am, can you talk?" And she shakes her head no, turning slightly blue from lack of oxygen. Then he asks " Ma'am, can you breathe?" Again she shakes her head no, turning even more blue. The first redneck nods his head in thought, then walks around behind the woman, jerks down her pants, and slides his tongue up her crack. The woman is so shocked that she coughs up the chunk she was choking on as the first redneck returns to standing next to his friend. The second redneck shakes his head and goes "Ya know, I herd bou' tha' Heinlick Manuver 'fore, but I never seen it used bafore".
just give me a minute, i'm thinking...

Posted Image

#3
Celest

Celest

    Hop On Pop

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 315 posts
  • Location:in the dark corner of my mind laughing at all the stupid people
  • Interests:softball,swimming,darkness,vampires,fairys,anything dangerous,morbid sadistic people like me,people that enjoy pain,people that enjoy inflicting pain,people that believe that magic is real,BDSM
thats horrible.i think i might die laughing or is it crying oh well.
[SIZE=14]The Dark Angel[COLOR=blue][FONT=Geneva].I am your forbidden dream..I am your dark angel..I serve no one..take my hand and join me ill show you things beyond your wildest dreams

#4
Hell_In_Your_Eyes

Hell_In_Your_Eyes

    There's A Wocket In My Pocket

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 643 posts
  • Gender:Male
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {dies laughing AND crying}

---

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Holy shit! THAT'S the word!�

#5
Pustulant Hair

Pustulant Hair

    Roleplay Storyteller

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 203 posts
  • Location:Phnom Penh
  • Interests:Surgical Sound Specimens from the Museum of Skin
Did you hear about the Jackson family Christmas? They gave each other new heads.

Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team? Everyone who can run, jump or swim is in the US.

Did you hear about Laos asuming a Roman Catholic stance? I guess that means no Dog on Lent...


Oh, and Hell in your eyes, I have no idea where that joke came from, but it reminded me of one...

"A redneck goes to the doctors and wants a sex change. Doctor comes back, hands him a firecracker and a beer. Now, go home and drink the beer. After you finish it off, light the M-80 and count to ten. He goes home, drinks the beer and sits down. Setting the beer between his legs, he lights the M-80, and counts to ten on his fingers. When he gets to 5, he drops the lit M-80 into the can and starts to count on his other hand."

Edited by Pustulant Hair, 22 January 2005 - 06:49 AM.


#6
Hell_In_Your_Eyes

Hell_In_Your_Eyes

    There's A Wocket In My Pocket

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 643 posts
  • Gender:Male
o_o Ow...

#7
Anaxagoras

Anaxagoras

    Hop On Pop

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 339 posts
  • Location:In the closet.
lol heres sum..
Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Edited by Anaxagoras, 22 January 2005 - 01:34 PM.

Solitude's Angel

#8
Anaxagoras

Anaxagoras

    Hop On Pop

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 339 posts
  • Location:In the closet.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Solitude's Angel

#9
Anaxagoras

Anaxagoras

    Hop On Pop

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 339 posts
  • Location:In the closet.
Answering machine jokes

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.

Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she accidentally dialed long distance.

Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...


this is my fave: Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.


Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.



www.ahajokes.com
Solitude's Angel

#10
Hell_In_Your_Eyes

Hell_In_Your_Eyes

    There's A Wocket In My Pocket

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 643 posts
  • Gender:Male
Lmao, I like that same one you liked. XD Hilarious!

#11
Anaxagoras

Anaxagoras

    Hop On Pop

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 339 posts
  • Location:In the closet.
heh
Solitude's Angel

#12
Opticallusion

Opticallusion

    The Cat In The Hat Comes Back

  • Forum Moderator
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,372 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:here
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phonenumber, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
just give me a minute, i'm thinking...

Posted Image

#13
Hell_In_Your_Eyes

Hell_In_Your_Eyes

    There's A Wocket In My Pocket

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 643 posts
  • Gender:Male
XD!! I especially like the low-self esteem one and the manic depressive one. Lol.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users