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#1
Atnevon

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The white house announced Mr. T as its new Pres Secretary today just prior to the announcement that the nation's new stance on the war in Iraq is to 'pity the fools who think that they'll make it out of the war alive.'

In other news, a ground breaking new education program has been announced by Pres Secretary T, which has quickly become known as the 'Pity the uneducated' mandate. All high school seniors who are not able to make the grade to graduate will be drafted into the new military wing known as the 'A Team' Students will remain in this program indefinitely, until such time as they are able to make A grades and receive their diplomas.

(This is all fake of course, but fun to think about. Go ahead and post with what you'd like to see in the headlines tomorrow.)
The sky was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel. - William Gibson

#2
Qryztufre

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Bennett defends abortion remark
WASHINGTON - Conservative commentator William Bennett yesterday defended comments he made on his radio talk show suggesting that aborting black children would reduce crime, saying he was merely musing about a hypothetical argument and he made plain to listeners that he was not stating his own position. However reporters here at the times have confirmed a $500,000 donation to a local Abortion clinic owned by the brother of David Duke.


Comets collide
NASA - Two comets have collided in space yesterday. Reports from the White House have blamed this isolated phenomenon on Al qaeda terrorists. President Bush said "If the Stars are not for us, they are against us." And has hinted at plans for a Lunar Invasion. Other sources from the White House have confirmed that many of Reagan's "Star Wars" programs have been reinstated.

#3
Dirk

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New York, from ground one:

George W. Bush was publically making an excuse:

"Invading iraq was a mistake. I hereby take my responsebility and we will pull out all men we have there.
However, we wil send in a specially trained batallion of mothers in law who are really pissed. And Osama, your mother in law will be with them..."
Unauthorized Copying is not only forbidden, but will prey upon your conscience, spoil your sleep, destroy your complexion, and eventually will wind up turning you into the kind of person who drinks methylated spirits out of a bottle hidden in a brown paper bag, and who lives under bridges, burps noxiously, and prays day and night for release from the unsupportable burden their life has become. We thought you'd appreciate the warning.
Originally from a Neil Gaiman cd, so i might suffer from all the things mentioned above.

#4
Qryztufre

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Turkey Banned from Future EU Potlucks
LONDON (AFX) - Keeping Turkey out of the European Union Potlucks could widen the 'theological-poultry divide' between Chicken and other poultry eating nations, British Foreign Secretary Colonel Sanders argued today.

Sanders, who was flying to Luxembourg later in the day for crisis talks about Turkey's mooted accession to the EU Potlucks, said the 25-member bloc said that Turkey would be allowed in all future EU Potlucks, this promise to Ankara is one that should be kept.

'We are concerned about a so-called clash of feathers,' Sanders told BBC television.

'We are concerned about this theological-poultry divide, which could open up even further the boundary between so-called Chicken-eating states and those that eat other varieties of feathered heritage.'

'We need to see Turkey in the EU Potlucks and not just on thanksgiving.'

Turkey should allowed at the EU potlucks 'because it is a non-European Poultry,' he added.

'It has been promised to be served at the EU potlucks for the last 42 years. We have repeated that promise five times in the last 10 years.

'And in December 2004 and in June of this year (EU Potluck coordinators) unanimously said that negotiations ought to start tomorrow -- the aim of the negotiations is to allow at least buttered turkey sandwiches in at potlucks..'

Negotiations on Turkish accession were scheduled to begin on Monday.

However, Sanders and other EU foreign ministers are holding emergency last-ditch talks in Luxembourg today to try to break a deadlock threatening the talks.

The dispute centres on Austrian demands that the EU consider something less than full membership for the turkey loving countries.

#5
Qryztufre

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Racial Comments spurn Power Rangers.

President George W. Bush has announced plans to stop Osam Bin Laden once and for all and is sending word to all known Super Heroes for aid. Thus far only the Power Rangers have given a response to this summons.

Radio Host William Bennett was overheard saying derogatory remarks against the Black Power Ranger but that he understands the necessity of him in order to form the Megazord.

The Power Rangers could not be reached for comment.

#6
Qryztufre

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NASA nearing fixing the foam problem with Space Shuttle

Reports are dropping in claiming that the American space agency NASA is closing on to finding a solution to the foam debris problem with the Space Shuttle. They had to ground the entire Space Shuttle fleet after the Discovery mission, which suffered many safety issues due to the same problem.

Earlier reports from Nasa conclude that "Crazy Foam" and "Silly String" are not the cause of troubles and that the ban on these two products have been lifted from the Space Center.

Kyle Herring, a representative for NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston said in a statement: “I think that May would be the earliest, based upon the amount of Drinking that must be done in order to determine if the foam problems are caused by our rootbeer floats shared by the crew on weekdays, or whether the problem lies in the beer keg storage facility reserved for weekends." NASA suffered damages at their Stennis Space Center in Bay St. Louis, Miss., and Michoud Assembly Facility in New Orleans due to beer reserves, but beer problems have thus far never been a problem on any of the shuttles.

#7
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L.A. Wildfire Chars 24,000 Acres, Feeds Thousands
LOS ANGELES Oct 1, 2005 � A wildfire that torched more than 24,000 acres on the edge of the city left a surprising legacy it fed more then 2,000 local homeless with a feast of donated jet-puffed delight.

"We have the best fire department … the best firefighters, the best fire chiefs, the best coordination, great communication, and the best marshmallow manufacturers" Governor Schwarzenegger said.

The fire began Wednesday afternoon in the Chatsworth area of northwest Los Angeles, then spread quickly in high winds. By Saturday afternoon, firefighting equipment was heading elsewhere, the blaze mostly put down.

"It's thinking ahead of where you think the fire is going to be looking at weather reports, wind speed, humidity, past burn patterns. Then coordinating with the local missions on where the best locations would be to place the homeless." said Battalion Chief Lou Roupoli of the Los Angeles Fire Department.

Beyond skilled firefighting, there were two other factors.

Several area Boy Scout troops were also sent in with sticks, chocolate bars, and graham crackers to aid in the project. "Their assistance in, and knowledge of the creation of S'mores was indispensable." Said Den-mother Rosalia Mendela. The other key factor in the feeding of the Homeless was the generosity of Kraft Foods and their local Jet-puffed manufacturer.

"There is very little if anything the Fire Department could have done other then put out the fire" said Kurt Schaefer, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County Fire Department. "With the assistance of the Scouts and Kraft we did more then one great thing today."

#8
Stix

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U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S.
September 28, 2005 | Issue 41•39

FRANCISTOWN, BOTSWANA�Officials and volunteers from the U.S.-based AIDS Awareness Organization began an aggressive campaign Monday to inform the citizens of Botswana that they are afflicted with AIDS, and explain how the sexually transmitted disease will eventually kill them.

"You have AIDS," said Pittsburgh physician and keynote speaker Dr. Julia Horton to approximately 6,500 villagers who traveled from the nearby townships of Lobatse and Palapye. "Every last one of you."

"And if you don't have AIDS, you almost certainly have HIV," she continued. "This will soon become AIDS."

AAO director Miles Garrity said the people of this sub-Saharan African nation have suffered too long without the proper knowledge of how widespread and devastating this disease really is.

"The situation in Africa is tragic," Garrity said. "Millions of people are infected with the AIDS virus�a disease they know little to nothing about. Our mission is to let these people know the facts about their AIDS in the few months they have remaining before their deaths."

The month-long, nationwide tour comes on the heels of the AAO's August visit to the Democratic Republic of Congo, where it successfully informed the vast Central African nation's 58 million citizens that they each have the AIDS virus.

"We realize that AIDS is a huge problem in Botswana," Garrity said. "And with our help, they will soon realize that, too."

Garrity said the AAO will not rest until the thousands upon thousands of orphaned children in Botswana understand the disease that killed their parents.

"If we get the word out that people here have AIDS, they will no longer live in fear of not understanding what is slowly killing them all," Garrity said. "On our watch, every last Botswanan will receive the help they need to come to the conclusion that they have this affliction. If it's the last thing we do, we will explain this illness and describe medicines that theoretically could help treat it."

At an AIDS-awareness rally Monday, Horton sent a clear message to the Botswanans about the disease that will soon claim their lives.

"Everyone raise your hands," Horton said. "Everyone with their hand up will soon die from AIDS."

Horton added: "Sixty-five percent of all deaths in Botswana are AIDS-related, and that percentage will soon rise to include your own."

Despite the daunting task before it, the AAO is intensifying its efforts. They have scheduled a door-to-door canvassing trip in the village of Mochudi, to personally tell bedridden sufferers that AIDS is responsible for their ravaged immune systems. Additionally, they have set up informational booths in Jwaneng and Serowe to help spread the word that everyone in the village will soon die from AIDS, and they are giving out T-shirts printed with the slogan "I Have AIDS..." on the front and "So Do You!" on the back.

The AAO has also organized an emergency airdrop to the nation's remote interior, in which small chartered planes will release flyers printed with the words, "Do You Have AIDS? Yes."

By the end of October, Garrity said he hopes that not only the people of Botswana, but the entire world, will come to understand the reality of this crisis.

"All Botswanans are dying of AIDS," Garrity said. "We cannot repeat that enough."



off the front page of the onion

I love the onion
X32 1AR0
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#9
swizec

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Breaking news,

the fanboys have finally invaded the real world with their fanboyism. The tenth planet which was discovered last month or well, in the last 6 months anyways, has now been named Xena after the ever so popular TV Show. The fanboys have even gone so far as to name it's moon Gabrielle.
It seems that from now on fanboys will be running our lives and our universe, nothing is safe from them anymore.
It is suggested that you lock yourself int he basement and throw away the keys if you want to keep your sanity. "The best antidote is lot's and lot's of vodka, and drinking it until you pass out under the stairs", the whitnesses say.
I have queens, and I have gods, guess who is both

#10
swizec

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Zanesville, Ohio - Radio station hostess reports news in the nude
The hostess of a famous online radio is said to be doing her hosting dressed in only underwear. She is known by her charisma and whatnot and her intro music implies that listening may cause pants happiness which implies that she tramsits her "energy" over the internet waves into the... "hearts" of every listener out there.

She has never given the eason as tow hy she does this, ti is a sort of internet enigma which noone can crack, for it has so far even been a safely guarded secret but now the story has leaked out into the yellow press and from there to the internet.

The original article even goes so far as to provide a picture of said hostess looking very surprised and hurrying to cover her privates, the bare computer case mostly, but she was not fast enough for the camera. The photographer reports that he has been hit several times on his head as the result of the photo but he managed to get away with his life. He is now recuperating in the local hospital.
I have queens, and I have gods, guess who is both

#11
Opticallusion

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Breaking News!

President Bush has just revealed that the conspiracy theories of the last several decades have all (most anyway) been correct! There are secret facilities at Area 51, and yes, there are alien craft and alien bodies stored and studied there! Now he invites everyone in the country to come explore the area and poke around. If you have questions, ask, the scientists there know everything there is to know on aliens.

Tickets are $5 in advance, $10 at the door, call now to book your tour!

(867) 530-9&%$ for more information.

Edited by Opticallusion, 03 October 2005 - 12:17 AM.

just give me a minute, i'm thinking...

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#12
Qryztufre

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11 killed in South Korea Concert
SEOUL, South Korea --Concertgoers trying to leave a stadium Monday evening sparked a stampede, killing at least 11 people and injuring 50 others, a city official said.

The stampede occurred in the city of Sangju, 165 miles southeast of Seoul, when thousands of people were shocked by the surprise-opening act. Police officer Choi Un-han who was supervising security for the benefit concert said that he had no idea that Koreans would hate Mariah Carry with such a passion.

Kim Sung-in, an official with the city government's disaster management division, said 11 people had died. Though only 3 of them due to the stampede, the other 8 killed themselves within 15 seconds of Mariah Carry's fist song.

Yonhap news agency reported that some 10,000 people were already at the stadium with about 5,000 lined up outside waiting to get in. The people closest to the exits fell down and were trampled by those behind them, according to the report.

#13
Qryztufre

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Sony pulls PlayStation ad after protests
Use of religious imagery angers Italian Catholics

Sony has agreed to stop using a series of adverts which features Jesus wearing his crown of thorns and the motto '10 years of passion' in reference to the Christ's tenth birthday present.

David Pincott, managing director of marketing agency Pirate Communications, said: "I think this is a classic misjudgement by the Vatican. We could get away with something like this in other parts of the world but not in Italy where there is a lot of sensitivity about the use of religious imagery, and the fact that Jesus did play his PS2 from ages 10 to 20 should have been ample enough reason for the Ad campaign.

Sony's ad is not the first to upset Catholics in recent months. For instance there is an adapted versions of Leonardo Da Vinci's Last Supper that has been controversially used by a French fashion designer, and an Irish bookmaker which depicted the original Christians gambling.

A spokeman for the Vatican has said "Just because Jesus was a Gamer does not mean he should be portrayed as such. It did not make it into the bible and should therefore remain out of Marketing."

#14
Qryztufre

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"President Names Second Nomonee"
President Bush's nominee to the Supreme Court Harriet Miers was declined by the other political powers that be. Political analysts believe this was because of Ms. Miers lack of judicial experience. However inside information has recently been leaked on this matter placing Harriet Miers as one of the many lovers of George Bush Senior. Pictures of the Ex-president, his wife, and what appears to be Ms. Miers in leather and sporting a bright red ball gag have also been recently seen on message boards across the net.

In related news President Bush is now considering the nomination of Miss Johnston. Miss Johnston was the Presidents 3rd grade teacher. The President had this to say on the matter "Miss Johnston was my favorite teacher because even though I could not read and could not count passed my own age she allowed me to pass into the 4th grade and for this I believe her judicial qualities should fit right in with the others in the Supremacy Court."

[Editors Note: The president was 14 in the 3rd grade]

#15
Qryztufre

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Doctors Now Expected To Clown Around
Oct 3, 2005 � (Roto-Reuters) -
A clown in the operating room may relax anxious children who are about to undergo surgery, but the entertainer has to learn how to properly use a scalpel, Italian researchers said on Monday.

A study of 40 children under the age of three when polled unanimously agreed that they would prefer the surgical techniques of a clown over that of an actual certified physician. After the poll the children were divided into two groups. One group were operated on by Circus Clowns, the other 20 had surgery preformed on them by actual Doctors.

The final results of the study show that children who are being operated on by clowns show less anxiety and are in fact happy to visit the hospital, however 14 of the 20 children in this group did not survive the procedure.

Many of the children in the Doctors group were horrified of clowns and only slightly agitated at being placed in the operating room with a certified physician. 19 of the children in this group survived the study, of those 19, 15 were mortified and refused to enter the hospital of their own accord.

Further studies of Doctors dressed as clowns may be needed for more substantial results but for the time being lying to your children by saying they are headed to a circus rather then operating room may be the way to go.

Edited by Qryztufre, 03 October 2005 - 12:05 PM.


#16
Qryztufre

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Abnormality found in brain of habitual liars- -
Washington: Thousands of Neuroscientists in the world have discovered why every person on earth is a habitual liar - a finding that will not have applications in the criminal justice system.
Looking into the brains of people who habitually cheat and lie, Adrian Raine, a professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, self proclaimed habitual liar, single handedly found abnormality in them, health portal HealthDay reported he then shared with information with several others including most highschool counselors.

Claimed to the first of many reports on structural brain abnormalities in pathological liars, the study included 49,000 Los Angeles residents who were given psychological tests and interviews which they all miserably failed.

The answers allowed the researchers to classify 12 as not having a history of repeated lying, 16,000 who showed signs of antisocial personality disorder but not pathological lying, and 1 honest person.

Differences in brain structure were recorded on magnetic resonance images. The liars had 57.2 percent more brain matter than the antisocial people and 92 percent more than that honest guy. Liars also had a 42 percent decrease in gray matter when compared to the uncontrolled anti-social group.

That means that liars have larger brains that they use to fabricate lies (White matter) and fewer moral restraints (grey matter) than normal people, Raine said.

Raine goes onto say that he fabricated the entire study.



In related news

#17
Qryztufre

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Superman Issues Forth From Cage
It has long been suspected that Nicolas Cage was not from this planet and now it has been official declared as his wife, Alice Kim Cage, of 14 months gives birth to Superboy.

Kal-el was born in New York and before he could be released to his parents he flew about the nursery sporting a diaper and a small red cape. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing at first" says one of the Orderlies "It was amazing and scary all at the same time."

Further reports from the same NYC hospital have confirmed that John Travolta has a newborn son as well. "Lex and Kal-el do not seem to get along all that much." Mr. Travolta was heard saying looking in on the two tots as they wrestled in the Nersery. "...It's like a FACEOFF between good and evil." He later continued.

Cage also was at one time slated to star in a Superman movie under the direction of Tim Burton, a project that ultimately was scrapped and replaced by a newer Warner Bros. remake expected for release next summer. When asked about this scrapped project Cage said "If I can not be Superman I'll live vicariously through my son."

The 41-year-old actor and his wife, a former sushi waitress about 20 years his junior, met at a nightclub last year before marrying on July 30, 2004.

#18
Qryztufre

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Found on a joke site:

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!

#19
Dark_Desire

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I'm not creative, so i can't seriously make up my own broadcast.

But i wanna hear something along the lines of a Leaning Tower that FINALLY fell over.

#20
Qryztufre

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I'll see what I can do DD...till then read about the recent problems following Olympic Torchbearers...

Olympic fires burn their way through Italy

ROME (Roto-Reuters) A recent string of arsons throughout Rome have puzzled and perplexed local authorities over the last several days. Thus far the only lead they have is the apparent line of fire which seems to be following Olympic torchbearers. While Sergeant John Spinelli does not believe that any Olympic correspondent would do such atrocities the torch itself is now in suspect. Several witnesses have claimed to have seen tiny droplets of flame fall behind in the wake of the runner.

Thus far there have been 42 casualties in association with the spreading fires. When Olympic Officials were contacted about the string of arsons they purportedly responded with claims of a greater good and that civilian casualties were only a minor setback in the grand commercialism of such an event.




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