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#1
Syrius

Syrius

    Green Eggs And Ham

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Just as the title says: Have a good joke, put it here.

Have fun and KEEP THIS THREAD ALIVE.
I walk the path of Darkness, people say I'm evil for it, I say they are wrong.
Light and Dark by themselves are neutral entities, sure good generally chooses the light, while evil generally chooses the dark. However, it is not the path you walk, but how you walk it. It is not the power you weild, but how you weild it.

#2
Syrius

Syrius

    Green Eggs And Ham

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O.k i have a joke to start it off.


A guy walks into a bar, and sees a large pile of money spread throughout the bar counter. He asks the bartender:

"Hey barkeep, whats all this money here for?"
the bartender replies:
"It is a bet, of who can make my jackass (donkey) laugh"
the guy asks:
"How much is it to enter?"
the bartender replies:
"$5.00."

He pays the bartender the money and walks out there, and 2 mins later, the jackass was laughing its ass off.

the bartender yells:
"GET OUT OF MY BAR AND DO NOT COME BACK!!!"
because noone had won before and he lost his money, but the next day, the guy comes back anyway.

"Hey barkeep, whats all THIS money here for?"

"It is a bet, THIS time of who can make my jackass cry, and its $10.00 to enter this time"

He pays the bartender and walks out there, and 2 mins later the jackass was crying its ass off.

The bartender was shocked and pissed and asked the guy:
Come on, before i throw you out AGAIN, you gotta tell me, How did youi do it?!"

The guy replies:

"Yesterday i told him my dick was bigger then his, and to day i showed him."
I walk the path of Darkness, people say I'm evil for it, I say they are wrong.
Light and Dark by themselves are neutral entities, sure good generally chooses the light, while evil generally chooses the dark. However, it is not the path you walk, but how you walk it. It is not the power you weild, but how you weild it.

#3
luke7

luke7

    Horton Hatches The Egg

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k...this jokes a bit cheesy...but i like it...its also fairly well known, so you might have heard it before...here goes anyways...

an english man, an irish man and a scottish man are in a hot air baloon above a small village, now, at a very alarming rate they are descending and will crash into the mountains just beyond the village and potentially all die.

they have a quick talk and decide to let the sandbags go but it is still no good, so they decide to drop some of thier personal belongings.

the english man looks at his precious books, but decides to drop them out, as it is them or his life, he does so, the baloon slows its decent slightly
the scottishman decides to throw some of his possesions out, so he throws 4 bottles of his faveroite whiskey out, he takes one last swig, and lets them go
the irishman then procedes to throw out a bomb...the other men look at the irish man, but they relise they will now survive, as there baloon is rising again, then yet again disaster strikes, they have very little fuel left and are forced to land the baloon in the village.

the next morning, they have to get items, the englishmen has to get bread, the scottish man water, and the irish man soap.

so the englishman is walking down the road and he see's a little girl crying, he askes her why she is crying and she says"my daddy had to go to hospital because he was concussed by some books that fell out of nowhere" the englishman is shocked, but pretends to know nothing about the incident he carries on about his business
the scottishmanis walking down another street later on that day, and he see's a little boy crying, he asks him why and gets a simalar response to the englishman"my mummy was knocked out by empty bottles of whiskey that fell from the sky" once again the scotsman baloonist pretends to know nothing about the incident
the irish man is walking down a simalar street even later in the day, and he sees a little boy laughing his head off, he asks the boy why he was laughing so much and the boy responds"because my dad farted and the house blew up"

#4
Anaxagoras

Anaxagoras

    Hop On Pop

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454 chuck norris jokes



#1 While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live
> ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he
> can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
> roundhouse kicked him in the face.
> #2 When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
> Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
> #3 Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.
> #4 It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The
> Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
> #5 Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
> substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
> to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
> scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
> #6 Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.
> #7 Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls
> a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon
> impact.
> #8 Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.
> #9 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
> decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
> grew a beard.
> #10 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
> Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris-robot in disguise," and
> starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
> drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
> much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.
> #11 God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined
> for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
> #12 New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck
> twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
> everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on
> the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
> #13 Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin
> Diesel.
> #14 Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its
> wings.
> #15 One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of
> pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme,
> and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the
> pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went,
> "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally anniliated all three of them.
> The pea soup tasted especially good that night.
> #16 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
> #17 Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
> #18 Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
> #19 When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was
> 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
> #20 Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
> #21 A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
> this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
> #22 Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
> Sega Genesis.
> #23 Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India,
> bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as
> a God.
> #24 Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the
> Force.
> #25 Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is
> the 8th wonder of the natural world.
> #26 Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band,
> and a pinecone.
> #27 Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
> Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the
> face.
> #28 Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from
> outer space by the naked eye.
> #29 Chuck Norris can't eat while standing upright.
> #30 Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won.
> Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
> #31 In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
> #32 Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
> #33 One drop of Chuck Norris' sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
> #34 Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
> #35 The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in
> twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
> #36 Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
> #37 Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
> #38 Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
> #39 Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting
> with water.
> #40 There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only
> Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
> #41 Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft
> landed in soil by tasting it.
> #42 Chuck Norris's heart beats once every full moon.
> #43 Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say
> hi.
> #44 Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of
> Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.
> #45 The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.
> #46 Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't
> find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he
> stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
> #47 If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
> species list.
> #48 Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
> #49 Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
> #50 Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
> #51 If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick
> your ass and take your dollar.
> #52 Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex
> with 3 women.
> #53 When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
> said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
> back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
> threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
> cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
> roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
> #54 We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
> before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
> #55 Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you
> have seen in your entire life.
> #56 Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
> #57 Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture
> found only the skull of Chuck Norris.
> #58 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
> yelling, "Bang!"
> #59 Chuck Norris put the 'k' in 'hardkore.'
> #60 Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old
> people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
> #61 In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
> Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
> on the hooker in "Total Recall".
> #62 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole
> in the ozone layer.
> #63 Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
> #64 Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and
> forced him to say, "The name's Norris; Chuck Norris."
#65 Chuck Norris invented the wheel
#66 When Aliens ask to be taken to your leader , they mean Chuck Norris.
#67 The Original Malkamaniac? - Chuck Norris
#68 Chuck Norris CAN compete with concrete
#69 When playing Dungeons and Dragons, Chuck Norris demands to play himself. If this is refused he roundhouse kicks everyone in the head and eats all the chips.
#70 This one time, at band camp , Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone in the head
#72 Chuck Norris is actually over 10ft tall, camera tricks are used to make him look close to human size.
#74 Chuck Norris has many fans, including the gay Conan O'Brien (this is true) and Conan enjoys it so much that he actuallys plays clips of Walker, Texas Ranger on his show now that NBC has bought the rights to the show.
#75 in the movie The Rock , Chuck Norris has a cameo as Sean Connery's beard
#76 Chuck Norris makes love with his eyes closed tightly, if the lady asks why he says "I'm counting" and , position permitting, roundhouse kicks her in the face
#77 Chuck Norris has ACTUAL buns of steel due to an accident while filming one of his movies.
#78 Chuck Norris has been in every great film of all time and every great film has had Chuck Norris, including the matrix (note: Chuck Norris was working on other films during the making of reloaded and revolutions, hence why they sucked).
#81 The Earth orbits the Sun because Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick
#82 Chuck Norris is the REAL WWE Champion.
#83 Due to his Martial Arts training, Chuck Norris can lick his own back.
#84 Although a huge star in the Western World, Chuck Norris is possibly even more loved in the East , as he once fought and defeated Godzilla (who was attacking Tokyo at the time).
#85 Chuck Norris does not masterbate - EVER.
#86. Chuck Norris cannot get out of the mandable claw!!
#87. Chuck Norris CAN defeat The Masterlock
#88 Chuck Norris hate's meeces to pieces.
#89. Chuck Norris is one of those big tough guys who drives little cars
#90 Everytime someone says "I do not believe in faeries" Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks one
#91. only Chuck Norris' jaw can break a jaw breaker in one bite
#92. Chuck Norris hates clowns
#93. Chuck Norris was horrably ingured when going through is "Emo" stage
#94 When celeb Tv chef Jamie Oliver offered to cook Chuck Norris a nice meal, Chuck said "I don't eat anymore, it's bad for you" , gave him a blank stare , and walked off into the sunset.
#95. Chuck Norris thinks Pepsi is for wankers
#96 Angelina Jolie imagines she is making love with Chuck Norris as opposed to her boyfriend
#97. Angelina Jolie IS Chuck Norris
#98 Chuck Norris will only drink from a cup made from a human skull. He just thinks it looks cool and scares people
#99. Chuck Norris started the Crusades
#100 Chuck Norris is the reason for crop circles.
#101. Chuck Norris kicked Gods ass and stole his milk money
#102 Instead of intercourse, Chuck Norris reproduces by cell segmentation.
#103. everyone has a little Chuck in them... mostly Malk.. who is having his man babies
#105. Would Chuck know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Yes Chuck would.
#107. Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer...
#109. There are actually five elements - water, wind, fire, earth and Chuck Norris
#110. Chuck Norris can tell the difference between Coke & Pepsi.
#111 Chuck Norris is the Colonel's secret ingredient in KFC
#112. Chuck Norris has never worn a 'salmon' coloured shirt.
#113. Chuck Norris cannot see the colour baige
#114. Chuck Norris invented the Internet
#115. Chuck Norris invented the PC (yes after the Internet because he can time travel)
#116. Chuck Norris can time travel
#117. Chuck Norris has a faithful side-kick, but he wasnt as good as his roundhouse kick so he kicked him
#118. Everytime someone says "Chuck Norris" he roundhouse kicks someone
#119. Chuck Norris is a registed Rabii, Priest and Jedi Knight
#120. The fact that this has gone on so long proves that Chuck Norris is God
#121 chuck norris is so 'ard that he ate mr t when question by the authorities (sp?) he replies "what you talking about willis" and roundhouse kicks the entire state police force for wasting his valuble eating time
#122 Chuck Norrise's beard is actually a totally seperate entity from Chuck Norris.
#123 Chuck Norris employees a traditional chimney sweep - despite not having a chimney
#124. Chuck Norris ate raw rattlesnake
#125. Chuck Norris knows #124 sucks and is lame
#126. when the aliens came to earth in independence (sp?) day the blue beams which came from the ships were not lasers its was chuck norris taking a number 2
#127 Chuck Norris plays Jessica Rabbit in the production of Who Framed Roger Rabbit on Ice
#128.chuck norris's roundhouse kick is what killed the dinosaurs
#129. pai mei from kill bill was infact chuck norris and it was him who roundhouse kicked all the shaolin monks in the temple in one big sweep
#130 Chuck Norris can hold his breath underwater for 10 minutes.
*131 as chuck norris holds his breath for 10 minutes he can roundhouse kick 20 great white sharks in the head while rescueing a fair ladie in dstress entirely with his beard!
#133 Chuck Norris shits bullets
#134 Chuck Norris shot JR.
#135 Chuck Norris is Spartacus
#136 Chuck Norris is also Keyzer Soze
#137 Who's the daddy? Chuck Norris is baby.
#138 Chuck Norris smells of cabbage.
#139 Chuck Norris should read this thread.
#140 Chuck Norris tickled Elmo
#141 Newest admin on Gonegothic - Chuck Norris.
#142 Chuck Norris wants to roundhouse kick George W. Bush
#143 Chuck Norris invented ice cream
#144 Chuck Norris was the first president of the USA, but he said it sucked so he was just happy being a god
#145 Chuck Norris gave rock'n'roll to you, put it in the soul of everyone...
#146 Chuck Norris can juice lemons WITH HIS EYES!
#147 Homer Simpson IS Chuck Norris
#148 Chuck Norris' beard is the only known cure for cancer, but he wont let no one touch it
#149 In the Begining there was Chuck Norris, and he said 'Let there be violence', and round house kicked god
#150 Chuck Norris likes the number 150, its his favourite.
#152 Chuck Norris is the man who sold the world... for $1.99 and a packet of peanuts
#153 If you piss off Chuck Norris, he will hunt you down, roundhouse kick you in the face and eat your family.
#155 Chuck Norris has a tattoo of a butterfly on his ass.... don't ask me how I know that.
#156. in dodge ball when peter says "thank you chuck norris" and he says "thank you peter" it actually cuts out the scene where he round house kicks the woman judge next to him
#157 Chuck Norris spends most of his time in his Magic Cupboard of Illusion.
#160 Chuck Norris was an emperor of Japan in the 1700s, due to the fact he is immortal, he still technically holds the position.
#161 Chuck Norris once fought Bill Gates for control of Microsoft , Bill won due to his army of robot though.
#162. bill gates only won because chuck had shaved his beard that day his beard creates an impenitrable shield of hair!!
#163 Chuck Norris is the Lord of the Rings
#164 Chuck Norris is the Half Blood Prince
#165. Chuck Norris IS The Scorpion King
#166. Chuck Norris is a werewolf
#167 Chuck Norris was once arrested for going 125 mph down the motorway... on a bicycle
#168 Chuck Norris - Proud member of the MA... and if you don't like it he will roundhouse kick you in the head.
#169. Chuck Norris beat the labyrinth in 50 seconds
#170. Chuck Norris beat Halo 2 in 5 minutes
#171. When playing DDR, Chuck Norris stands still then when the song is done, roundhouse kicks the machine and calls it his bitch
#172. Chuck Norris goes giddy over Teddy Grahams
#173. chuck norris is a teddy grahams
#174. When Chuck Norris is asked to do circumcisions , the takes off his shirt, and it just... falls off
#175 if Chuck Norris was a flavor of Ice Cream ,he would be Chuck Norris flavored.
#176. Chuck Norris keeps an invisable talking toad named Georgie in his shirt pocket and he talks to it all the time and Georgie gives him advice
#177 Chuck Norris produces enough methane to power a small village in Kent.
#178. Chuck Norris is secretly laughing at us worship him
#179 During sexual play , Chuck Norris likes you to talk dirty to him, however you must always call him by his full name "Chuck Norris". Examples include "ride me hard, Chuck Norris" and " Who's your Chuck Norris! , Who's your Chuck Norris?!"
#181 sometimes when he is sad, Chuck Norris likes to tickle his own feet
#182. Chuck Norris thinks Corn Flakes are for pansies, Lucky Charms are for REAL men!
#183 Chuck Norris is Experiment 627
#185 When Chuck Norris eats a banana , he turns into BananaChuckNorrisman.
#186 Chuck Norris was the original choice to play the new Batman. The movie's title was to be Batman:Bearded Begins
#187 Chuck Norris will play the Goblin King in the new labyrinth movie
#188. Chuck Norris is so awesome, when V_C went to find a goof on Walker, Texas Ranger, there was only 2 for the whole time it was running ^^ (its a fact, not suppose to be funny, forgive me please)
#189 Chuck Norris has the largest collection of enema kits in the entire world.
#190 Chuck Norris refuses to let this thread die
#191. Chuck Norris invented airoplanes.... and spelt it that way too ^^;
#192 Chuck Norris can sieve salt from sea water by straining it through his beard
#193 Chuck Norris once ate a small piece of fecal matter. He said "it tastes like shit"
#194. Chuck Norris loves to Charlston
#195 Chuck Norris was the original choice for the Weapon of Choice video. However , he got confused and, instead of dancing, roundhouse kicked everyone in the head. He was replaced by Christopher Walken.
Chuck Norris hates Christopher Walken for this and calls him "Buttercup" behind his back.
#196. Chuck Norris posseses Darrick Oacora on Most Haunted
#197 Chuck Norris only communicates using MSN smileys. IF he's offline he uses cards with pictures of them
#198 Chuck Norris looks up to malk?
#199 Chuck Norris isn't an ASS KISSER!
#200 Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his way out The Cube
#201 Chuck Norris can chew his way out of a straight jacket.
#202 Chuck Norris's version of kryptonite is green felt. this is why he doesn't play Pool.
#203. Chuck Norris hates plaid, but sucks it up anyways and takes it up the ass like a man
#204 There is a global conspiracy to swap sugar with salt . Chuck Norris is the head of it
#206 Chuck Norris is so talented that he covers his Scottish accent even when he's gnawing on a wad of chewing tobacco.
#207 Chuck Norris can form himself into a perfect sphere and roll around at speeds over 50 mph
#208 Chuck Norris's penis has an edge like the sharpest knife in the world.
#209. Chuck Norris' spit on the ground is consida art
#210. chuck norris and the masters of the universe
#211. Chuck Norris went as his beard for Halloween
#212. The term 'B.C' is actually used to define the time before chuck norris existed. It was a sorry, sorry, sorry place...
#213 Chuck Norris is presently playing Atreyu in the off Broadway production of The Never Ending Story
#214 Chuck Norris would rate you a 1
#215 Chuck Norris knows who the Daddy is ... it's Chuck Norris
#216. Chuck Norris loves to chilly dog
#217 Chuck Norris ghost authored "A Brief History of Time"
#218. Chuck Norris IS Peter Griffin from Family Guy
#219 Chuck Norris can do EVERY move in Streetfighter 2... but in real life.
# 220 aprart from honda's belly flop cause he thinks its below him
#221 Chuck Norris once made love for over 5 consecutive days... to your mum.
#222 Chuck Norris reserves the right to change or cancel you - at ANY time.
#223. Chuck Norris smells what The Rock is cooking
#224 Chuck Norris has 14 kids , all by the same elderly sheep
#225 The only weapon of mass destruction found in Iraq was Chuck Norris on his holidays
#228 Chuck Norris is allegedly 65 years old , this is not true however as he is mentioned in the Bible as Methuselah
#229 Chuck Norris invented his own martial art - Chuck Fu
#230 Chuck Norris does not walk. He hovers.
#231 Chuck Norris talked about fight club
#232 People often are amazed when a girl ties a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue, however, Chuck Norris can tie his cock in a knot with his.
#233 Chuck Norris currently resides in Madame Tussauds, pretending to be a waxwork of himself
#234 When Chuck Norris visits London, he goes up the furry headed guards and tells them to "make his day", if they refuse, he roundhouse kicks them in the head.
#235 Chuck Norris is so local he burns people just by looking at them and using his non-local sensors to check them out.
#236 Chuck Norris has such complete mastery of his body, he can lick his own elbow.
#238 the hat Chuck Norris wears in Walker, Texas Ranger, used to be child actor Gary Coleman. When Gary said "whatcha talkin' 'bout Chuck" one day on set, he recieved a roundhouse kick to the head that paralysed him. Chuck said "THAT'S what I'm talkin' 'bout"
#239 When Chuck Norris watched Mr.Bean riding down a hill in a armchair tied to the roof of a mini, he did it backward, naked, blindfolded and tied to a kids tricycle and still managed to keep the gag even when he missed the pillow van and landed in one full of geese.
#240. Chuck Norris likes to dress up as spiderman and call himslef Phillis while rubbing his nipples with butter
#241 Chuck Norris doesn't have "lonely nights" , he's Chuck Norris.
#242. chuck norris thinks a "lonely night" is after he has had his way with a woman, round house kicked her for the bad sex, and she is out cold.
#244 Chuck Norris once masterbated continually for 3 days straight, never achieving ejaculation till the third day, where he promptly unleashed his load on cheyrnobl
#245 Chuck Norris killed Kenny. You bastard.
#247 Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but didn't shoot the deputy.
#248 Chuck Norris has the ability, in times of stress, to seperate himself into two people, One is the softer part that likes to hug teddies, the other is a demon incarnate called Sirron Kcuhc who will stop at nothing to take over your puny world, Earthscum!.
#249 Chuck Norris kills the kittens when you masturbate not God.
#252 Chuck Norris's shadow once tried to overthrow Chuck Norris. He roundhoused kicked it out of exsistence. He now misses it dearly.
#253. #252 is Chuck norris's only regret
#254 That creepy sensation you get when you could swear you've already done something or been somewhere before...that's Chuck Norris.
#255 Chuck Berry once challenged Chuck Norris to a guitaring showdown. Norris won emphatically by critically roundhouse-kicking Berry into his bassist, incapacitating him.
#256 Chuck Norris sneezed and created Mr.Duffy
#257 Chuck Norris is the only human being who can sneeze with his eyes open.
#258 chuck norris was once president of the usa but had to resign because at the christmas party he got drunk and roundhouse kicked all his cabinet of staff and now no one else wants to take up the places
#259 Chuck Norris couldnt give a flying fuck about any of you insignificant beings
#260. chuck Norris has a dirty, moldy , used tampon hidden in his beard
#261 Chuck Norris was the dad monkey in the PG Tips adverts.
#263 Chuck Norris only endorses products that secretly allow you
to grow a full strong beard.
#264 Chuck Norris did not actually grow his famed beard. It was actually the beard that grew Chuck Norris.

#265 Chuck Norris has the worlds biggest collection of Barbie... but not Ken, he detests Ken and his non roundhouse kicking ways
#266 Ken is actually Chuck Norris's long-lost brother who every-one suspected had been roundhouse kicked to death at the age of 2 hours old.
#267 Chuck Norris was rasied by stag beetles in the amazon rainforest as a man-beetle
#268 Chuck Norris was the model that Jin was based on in the highly popular Tekken series. Chuck even turns into a devil every christmas and sets fire to all the trees in a 4 mile radius.
#269 Chuck Norris was a finalist in the Miss America pageant , however he was beaten by Miss Pennsylvania, who had a better beard than him
#270 When Chuck Norris has lunch, instead of bread on his sandwhich he uses real sand and witches from Lancashire.
#271 Ron Jeremy was taught everythign he knows by Chuck Norris
#272 Chuck Norris once shaved a small gap in his left eyebrow to provoke people into calling him homosexual . He then roundhouse kicked them in the head and, if they were a guy, sodomised them. "That'll show you who's gay!" he would announce... and it did.
#273 Chuck Norris will never get Bird Flu as his beard acts as a filter for all known diseases and poisons.
#274 Chuck Norris sneezes on his Christmas Tree instead of using tinsel
#275 Chuck Norris created God, not vice-versa
#276 There are actually 12 Chuck Norris clones alive today. This is so that he can fill his quota of delivering presents to kids on christmas eve.
#277 All animals are equal, but Chuck Norris doesn't believe in equality so fuck off!
#278 Chuck Norris expels air as liquid nitrogen through his penis as opposed to breathing out Co2
#279 Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked the head off the headless horseman
#281 Chuck Norris is usually spotted on the galapagos islands where he spends his time eating rare species and wrestling komodo dragons bare handed.
#282 Chuck Norris' beard is the only thing harder than the hardest thing anyone thought was hard. So there!
#283 Chuck's one and only mistake in the history of Chuck Norris is to not have roundhouse the kicked the guy who created the Macarena befor he let it loose on the world.
#285 Chuck Norris works out in his sleep as well as during the day, EVERYTHING is wood in the morning.
#286 Chuck Norris played Dr Frank n Furters fishnet stockings at the London performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show.
#287 Chuck Norris invented velcro, simply to hold afro-wearing ninja down while he kicked their asses into mush. FACT.
#288 It wasn't the snake who tricked Adam & Eve into eating the forbidden apples, it was actually Chuck Norris' beard who pelleted the pair with fruit lodging them in thier throats.
#289 If you say Chuck Norris backwards three times he will indeed come out of a mirror and roundhouse kick your sorry ass
#290 when the Goblin King trapped Chuck Norris in the Labyrinth , he just walked in a straight line, crashing through the walls to get to the castle. Then he roundhouse kicked the Goblin King in the head.
#291 Chuck Norris is a world-champion Norris. Factamundo!
#292 Chuck Norris invented the paper clip - as a space saving tooth pick.
#293 He is also a master at roundhouse kicking paperclips at people, turning them into lethal armour-piercing projectiles.
#294 Chuck Norris can boil an egg just by staring at it for 10 seconds.
#295: Chuck Norris lost his virginity the minute he was born, he didn't orgasm, for she was not good enough for him, instead, he roundhouse kicked her in the face
#297 Chuck Norris has the ability to say No... he just doesn't use it
#299 Chuck Norris kept the bag
#300 Chuck Norris' beard is made from papier maché
#301: Chuck Norris named his breasts: Kick and Ass
#302: the name of his penis shall not ever be named again, if you thought Voldemort was bad, Chuck Norris is even worse.
#303 Chuck Norris' beard was arrested in 1974 on suspicion of drug trafficking. The charges were dropped when the persecution realised who they were dealing with and were roundhouse kicked.
#304 Chuck Norris touched a precious thing and got away with a slighty singed eyebrow.
#305 Chuck Norris chews up diamonds gathered from his beard and has them set in rings for that bling effect.
#306 Chuck Norris decapitates people the only way he knows how - with a spoon.
#307 Chuck Norris knows whats in the "Special Stuff"
#308 Chuck Norris had a n00b fight but got confused when the n00b said he fucked his mum so he roundhouse kicked the n00b who went on to become George W. Bush.
#309 LYK OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!11 CHUCK IZ A BIG FAT GAY NOOB WHO FUKED IZ MUM IN DA ED WIT IZ BEARD LMAO FUKIN GAY NOOB LOL!
#310 When Chuck Norris was asked to do a voice over for ann anti-smoking advert he roundhouse kicked every-one in the room, rolled them up in a carpet and smoked them.
#311 chuck norris = jesus
#312: Chuck Norris shot Tupac, and just to make sure he roundhouse kicked him in the face, when people thought it was Biggie, he shot and roundhouse kicked him too.
There are no witnesses because Chuck roundhouse kicked them all.
#313: Chuck Norris secretly can't roundhouse kick at all, he has a third arm coming out of his leg and uses that to bitch slap.
#314: Chuck Norris de-flowered Britney spears, Why? Because he could roundhouse kick her and she'd think it was part of the foreplay.
#315: Chuck Norris wears his mothers clothes and parades up and down his bedroom going "Ohhoohoo" and pretending he has breasts.
#317 Chuck Norris huffed, he puffed, and blew your house in.
#318. Chuck Norris invented The Hammer Dance... utt oh utt utt utt oh
#319 Therefore Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
#320 Chuck Norris knows Geoff Tipps has that gun.
#336. It is a deadly sin to look Chuck Norris in the eye
337: Chuck Norris is 1337
#338 Chuck Norris stuck his hand up Bruce Lee's ass and used him like a glove puppet for fun, then roundhouse kicked him off.
#339: Chuck Norris Pwns you, your mother, Lesbian Sister and your Gerbil.
#340 Chuck Norris is over a billion years old, but it doesn't show because his skin is made from special Russian anti-sag material, designed for space probes.
#341 Chuck Norris doesn't need the Lynx effect, he just roundhouse kicks people into shagging him.
#342 Chuck Norris is the source for Lynx, as it is siphoned out of his armpits specifically so we can all smell as sexy as him.
#342 "Star Trek" is based on the first 10 years of Chuck Norris's life.
#343 It is said that a cat has nine lives. However, when CHuck Norris roundhouse kicks a cat, not only does it lose all of its nine lives instantaneously, any cat with#343 It is said that a cat has nine lives. However, when CHuck Norris roundhouse kicks a cat, not only does it lose all of its nine lives instantaneously, any cat within a 10 mile radius is vapourised.in a 10 mile radius is vapourised.
#344 The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist
#345 The use of a long spoon is required to dine with Chuck Norris, to put you out of range of his laser-resistant neck.
#346 Chuck Norris is one of the few people who could make the 'urrgh!!' noise at Mr.Duffy and not be laughed at.
#347 Chuck Norris is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment. FACT.
#348 Chuck Norris NEVER calls it even.
#349 Chuck Norris calls it odds? O_o
350 Chuck Norris refuses to speak anymore and now only communicates through a series of blinks and kicks.

#351 Chuck Norris works out for 36 hours every single day. If you think this is impossible... that's why YOU'RE not Chuck Norris.
#352 Chuck Norris almost got flu once but he roundhouse kicked it away and it landed on a bird creating bird flu.
#353 Chuck Norris has hypnotised billions of teenagers with his afro-clad facts of glory, and roundhouse-kicking action.
#354: Chuck Norris listens to Industrial. That is why, Chuck Norris PWNS you.
#355 Chuck Norris is the polar bear on Lost
#356 Chuck Norris's big toe on his left foot can survive any extreme of temperature.
#357 is Chuck Norris' favourite calibre
#358 Chuck Norris ordered me to bump this thread, under pain of roundhouse kicking.
#359 Chuck Norris thinks herring is a type of fruit... no one is brave enough to correct him.
#360 Chuck Norris never vomits, or excretes.
#361 Chuck Norris does his own surgery, without anesthetic and using construction tools. He has so far added an extra stomach.
#362 Chuck Norris was inspired by Henry the 8ths many many wives, so he bought a lot of Thai brides off the internet (though not via a computer, he used telepathic thoughts) and when some-one called him a wannabe king he round housed kicked all his wives into one big one who we now know as Bene Elim
#363 Chuck Norris pawned his wife for a greasy hot dog and a rusty nail. Hardcore.
#364 Chuck Norris is a very very very very very very very very very precious thing.
#365 Tonight Matthew, Chuck Norris will be....Tom Selleck.
#366 Chuck Norris would chose Daddy over Chips, ANY DAY
#367 Chuck Norris does not think Dr. Pepper makes the world tastes better
#368 Chuck Norris knows theres no need to be so rude AND how many Ts are in cassette.
#370 Chuck Norris can't stand bad odours so instead of buying Oust he round house kicks any bad smell particles in the air.
#371 Chuck Norris has no need for Bench Cults.
#373 If you play back In the USSR by the Beatles backwards, you can here the phrase 'Chuck Norris - the father, son and holy ghost' faintly whispered by ringo
#374 If you whisper sweet nothings in Chuck Norris's ear , he will say "WHAT!?" in a loud confused voice, shrug and then roundhouse kick you in the head.
#375 Chuck Norris has approximately fathered 1billion children world wide. this is because of his unique abiility to impregnate women by staring at them for 5 seconds.
#376 Chuck Norris can only produce quadruplets and up
#377 Chuck Norris can switch his sperm for many other liquid substances, he finds ejacualting acid stings a bit so he doesn't do it often.
#378 Bob Geldof called on Chuck Norris's single ejaculation to cure the famine in Niger
#379 But Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him and told him to get a hair cut and stop looking so poofy.
#380 279 is now known as ChuckAid
#381 But then Chuck Norris sold it for a packet of pork scratchings and a bottle of Lambrini.
#382 Chuck Norris is a lambrini girl
#383 And Chuck Norris just wants to have fun.
#384 Chuck norris's daddy lets him have all the fun he wants
#385 Chuck Norris got kicked out of kindergarten for turning the kids milk into moose piss, this was when he was 25.
#386 the earth was only new then and he went to Kindergarten in a cave at the bottom of a volcano
#387 Chuck Norris is anally penetrating everyone in the world simultaneneously.
They often mistake this sensation for a powerful strain of mutant happiness.
#389 Chuck Norris gave me twenty seconds to comply, then roundhouse kicked me for taking so long.
#390 Chuck Norris is a l33t h@><0r
#391 Chuck Norris should be considered armed and extremely fruit-flavoured.
#392 Chuck Norris contemplates the meaning of life for ten seconds every day: his only sitting-down period.
He KNOWS the meaning of life, and just gets kicks out of being better than us.
#393 Chuck Norris wish's that for next 50 post's he will no longer be reffered to as Chuck Norris but instead as "his lord master the creator of gods"
#394 Chuck Norris does not masturbate, he has someone hired to do that for him.
#395 His Lord Master, the Creator of Gods
#296 Chuck Norris decided the title 'His Lord Master, the Creator of Gods' was not worthy enough for him, so went back to being refferred to as Chuck Norris.
#397 Chuck Norris can kill a yak at a hundred yards, with mind bullets.
But he prefers a roundhouse kick.
#399 Chuck Norris has the ability to eat 10 Wham bars at once
#400 Chuck Norris roundhouse kickd a normal white onion so much that he created the red onion
#401. Chuck Norris 3:16. Nuff said
#402 Chuck Norris is Sir Ron Kcuhc in his spare time, which isn't really very much.
#403 chuck norris can eat through a whole shelf of books almost instantly
#405 Chuck Norris never runs out of d10, even when using Celerity.
#406 Chuck Norris is always cool , even when it is a robbery
#407 Chuck Norris has felt the bubbles melt... on his cock.
#408 Chuck Norris recently won "Chuck Norris of the Year"
#409 Chuck Norris' missus is a fucking nutter.
#411 instead of chewing gum, Chuck Norris uses kittens.
#412 YOu think the Andrex puppy is cute.
Chuck Norris buttfucked him.
#413 Chuck Norris can rotate his left foot 360 degrees in all directions
#414 Chuck Norris would attempt to do the same with his right foot but he would drill through the earths crust.
#415 Chuck Norris was the crow in The Crow
#416 The path of Chuck Norris is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is Chuck, who in the spirit of charity and good will roundhouse kicks his brothers through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And He shall strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers, and you will know his name is Chuck Norris, when he lays his roundhouse upon thee.

Amen.

Norris 25:17
#418
chuck norris still wishes he got into my pants.

I couldn't say "yes you can get in my pants" due to a roundhouse kick in my gut.

#419 Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee so hard he gave him the permanent gay ladyboy pout seen above.
#420 everytime you see chuck norris moving on camera it is in slow motion due to his incredible speed
#421 Chuck Norris finds it difficult to engage in sex with noirmal women, as his ejaculation has the same force as a 12-gauge. Thus, he is the inventor of combat-grade Kevlar Condoms.
#424 Chuck Norris knows the exact figure of Pi
#425 Chuck Norris is built perfectly on the Golden Ratio 1:1.618
#426 Chuck Norris' sweat cures AIDs

too bad he doesn't sweat..
#427 Chuck Norris is the ultimate question

Chuck Norris = 42
#428 Chuck Norris does not believe eyewitness testimony
#429 Chuck Norris is the father, the son and the holy fuckin', roundhouse kickin' spirit!
#430 Chuck Norris's favorite word is Shizzle.
#432 Chuck Norris is able to live off nutrients sucked from the ground through his feet

#434 As Chuck Norris invented God, he's now checking Malk's anal cavity for trademark logos.
#435 Chuck Norris still hasn't got his watch back from Malk's anal cavity.

#437 Chuck Norris was a secret agent in the 1940's. If you still wonder why they only found a few teeth of Hitler, it's because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his teeth out and ate the body.

This was documented by the BBC on march 12th 2001, a week later the reporter was found dead in his apartment, with all of his teeth missing.

Scotland yard has decided not to press charges due to a case of scaredinthepantsosis.
#438 Chuck Norris feels no fear, no pain, no sadness, and no gingers.
#439 Chuck Norris really needs to wash his face.
#440 Chuck Norris has no clear identifiable emotion apart from greed and disgust
#441 Chuck Norris is so awesome he is even the best at being modest.
#442 When Chuck Norris is hungry, he microwaves his arm and eats it. After he is satisfied, his arm magically grows back.
#443 The above has only happened once with Chuck Norris and he hasn't eaten since.
#444 Chuck Norris can eat 50 packets of Space Raiders without vomiting
#446 Chuck Norris enjoys watching Scooby Doo episodes over and over again... he has never guessed the bad guy.
#447 Chuck Norris met a poor person once, but decided he didn't like them.
#448 Chuck Norris thought he was a taxi last night...
#449 Chuck Norris DOESN'T pity the fool.
#450 Whenever Chuck Norris does something bad, he blames his innocent teddy. Whenever he does something good, it was all down to him.
#451 Chuck Norris hates it when folks go off topic in his thread.
#452 Chuck Norris played Dick Dastardly in Wacky Races. His beard played Muttley.
#453 Chuch Norris used to do that twangy thing with a ruler on the edge of a desk for 20 hours a day.
#454 Chuck Norris never did have a childhood, he infact was born old and is growing down
Solitude's Angel

#5
Sinvisigoth

Sinvisigoth

    Hop On Pop

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My balls are bigger than Chuck's.
Laugh at tyrants and the tragedy they inflict; our tears are evidence of subservience but our laughter condemns them to ignominy.

I'm going to do everything and everyone I ever wanted to do, some stuff I said I'd never do so I know what i'm missing out on, and then I'm going to make glow in the dark chocolate pudding for everyone.

Underworld officials say they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

#6
Cyrus

Cyrus

    Green Eggs And Ham

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So there is a Monkey and a Lizard in a tree smoking weed. The Lizard gets thirsty and says he is going for a drink.
The Lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle, and gets to the lake. He starts drinking and falls in, the Alligator comes along and puts the Lizard on the bay. The Alligator asks "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Lizard replys "I was smoking with the Monkey and, I am messed up...."
The Alligator decides to go check it out and walks from the lake, through the jungle, and gets to the tree. Alligator looks up and sees the Monkey and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "SHIT how much did you drink?"







*my jokes suck....*

THE ENRAGED MONKEY!!!

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE AND MONKEYS DO TOO (if they've got a gun)

#7
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

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#8
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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A Chinese walked into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed over
to him, and asked for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap and said, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gave Spielberg a slap and said, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replied, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.

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#9
Opticallusion

Opticallusion

    The Cat In The Hat Comes Back

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This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
just give me a minute, i'm thinking...

Posted Image

#10
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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How do the three blondes wash their underwear together at the laundry?

The use seperate plastic bags!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I Got Fired Today

I walked into work this morning at about 8:53 this morning and was
surprisingly greeted by my V.P.

I thought to myself, "That's odd... I didn't even know he knew I still
work here?" He asked me if I knew what time it was because I am normally scheduled to be there at 8am Monday-Friday. I replied, "No, a lion attacked me on the way into work this morning. Lost my watch in the struggle. Enough about me, how can I be of assistance to you today, Mr.

(****)?"

Needless to say, he didn't find my explanation very endearing :-/

Next thing I knew, I get pulled into the conference room. Thought to
myself, "Geesh, I wonder what this is about?" Walked into the room and saw my direct boss and all his lovely cohorts. They presented me my last four annual reviews and wished to go over them in detail. Naturally, I started laughing because of things I wrote in the past. Didn't know they actually read them? My boss revisted one of them that I wrote in 2007 where I am supposed to comment in the section of "Employee's Greatest Accomplishments". He read it off, "I got the Supervisor/Manager in the deli [downstairs] to start carrying V8 juice."

I laughed and told them to cut to the chase. Whadya know? They had
termination papers for me to sign. "Sure." A couple handshakes and then asked for a small box to pack my belongings. They obliged.

Got back to my cubicle w/one of those white Office Max "On-the-Go" file boxes and packed five years worth of stuff. For the last time, I sat in my squeaky chair that never fit me right in all the years I'd been there.
Only reason I kept it was because I knew the sound annoyed the shit out of my cubemate. In fact, one day he tried to mace it with WD-40. I lied and told him that I am severly allergic to it. He pouted for me to get a new chair and mumbled a couple swear words. I giggled so hard inside my head to a point that my face turned red. I just blamed the redness on the sight of the WD-40 can.
Anyhow, back to my packing... found a lot of nothing. It hit me that I
never really did "set up shop" like everyone else there at work had. You
go into some cubes where the ladies have fuzzy arm sleeves for their
chairs, hand-knitted blankets for their lap, a plethora of family/friends
photos, personal lamps, small fish bowls, and enough plants sitting around to open up a plant nursery. Me? Well, I found the belongings that I had accumulated over five years:

*Microwave pop-corn (take your pick, I have 4 flavors ranging
from "Movie Theatre Butter" to Kettle!)
*43 packets of Taco Bell's Mild sauce
*12 packets of Morton's Salt
*5 packets of pepper
*3 packets of mustard
*1 can of Campell's Chunky Beef Barley
*3 Cup of Noodles (beef flavor)
*2 Top Ramen Packs (beef flavor again)
*a box of Quaker Oatmeal "Weight Control" (yeah, no interest... lady a
work gave it to me 2 yrs ago)
*4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I bought months ago (Thin Mint,
Samoas, Peanut Butter Patties)
*1 white bowl and tons of plasticware
*and finally, travel and financial magazines dating back to 2006.

Yep, that's it folks! No pictures, no plants, no fish. Oh, wait... I have
one last item I found that hit a soft spot... it's Christmas ornament that
was given to me by a co-worker last year. He gives them out every year and they're kinda cute considering he's a big Samoan dude w/a tribe of pooh-pooh makers at home. They make them out of clothes pins. Moral of my story: Don't eat too much red meat and salty foods - leads to kidney stones

PS: Let me know if you're hiring :-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway.
They switch on the radio and there is a warning:
Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic.
The programmer near the driver looks at him and says:
"One? There are hundreds of them."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks wheres the tampons?
Pharmacist replies "over by the cotton wool"
The guy comes back with cotton wool and toilet roll.
Pharmacist says "thought you wanted tampons?"
The man replies "i asked my missus to get me fags last night and she got me baccy and rizlas instead!, so tonight SHE can roll her fucking own"

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#11
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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This is probably older than dirt and been told 5 billion times, but this
is quite honestly the first time I've seen this particular joke.

(snipped from Aardwolf Forum)
From : Westclox: Ghandi
Date : Mon Aug 11 14:36:37 2008

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good.)
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Yeah bad joke but it gave me a chuckle.

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#12
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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TOP 10 TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~10. Husseinfeld
9. Mad About Everything
8. Allah McBeal
7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
6. Achmed's Creek
5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly Sanctions

--------

Whacha get when you cross a illegal immigrant farmer with an octopus?
I dunno, but it sure can spread salmonela !!

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#13
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lie Detector
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, Their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha And knocked her out of her chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Alligator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled
it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is only waist deep. The rest is the sound of guffaw.

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#14
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey baby
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but i'm gonna go down on you...
And you're gonna love it...
But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it...
Then i'm gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time...
Lots of love,
Fuel Prices
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#15
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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Probably the longest-assed Craigslist personal ad you'll ever see.
And it is humorous cause it's true.

From Pers-431649184

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults
- I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crpy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

And now a little about the Welfare office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . You started it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I was told the above clip is funny, but kinda dated.
I take no responsiblity for it. The douchebag that posted it is to blame.

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#16
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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Today's headline!
Somewhere in the Western United States of America (AP)

Dr. Stephen Hawking was admitted to an undisclosed hospital last night in the wake of a terrible accident.
The acclaimed scientist received two broken legs, two broken hips and a broken spine.
This happened at a restaurant. Eyewitnesses stated that apparently he was there on a date and got stood up.
We will keep you informed of this developing situation.

Playboy Mansion, California (Reuters)

Famous playboy Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business
on his property. The police forced the friars to shut down their stall outside of the Playboy Mansion where
they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, "Well, if it were anyone else we may have gotten
away with it, but only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

=======================================

Craigslist is a source of entertainment. Yet another true advertisement!

Disgruntled American Seeks Canadian For Political Asylum, Maybe More

Like so many in the USA, I've become increasingly fed up with my
country. The last 8 years have been a nightmare of perpetual motion.
The presidential election is almost a month away, but let's face it.
If Bush's cronies were able to set him up for two terms, then McCain
and Palin are practically a shoo-in. When that happens (and it will,
just you watch) I would rather be somewhere else. Like The Great White
North!
Are you a lonely, possibly desperate Canadian woman aged 18-50?
Tired of trying to find a good man among your flannel clad, Labatt's
drinking, moose hunting country men? Willing to take in an American
who is fed up with his country? Then I'm the guy for you! Maybe you're
a bit overweight or suffer from "Lifelong Ugly Duckling" syndrome. I
don't care.

What I'm All Aboot:

32, tall, a bit pudgy around the middle, starting to go bald, but
other than that it's all good.
IT Professional, skilled with computers, can fix yours.
Will get whatever job(s) available to help support us.
From Washington State, appreciates nature.
Willing to learn French.
Polite, working on being more humble.
Hates littering.
Will pet your cat(s)/dog(s) and tell you how cute it is.
Enjoys Rush.
Can fake an interest in hockey.
Knows the first line to the Canadian National Anthem.
Will do whatever it takes to get the hell out of here.

What You're All Aboot:
Canadian.
18-50 year old female.
Willing to marry me for citizenship.
So there you have it ladies! This is your chance to help your
neighbors to the South. Get at it!

=======================================

Eating your veggies!

A woman was throwing a party for several members of her church in her home.
As tradition she was making a vegetable tray and serving everyone.

She asked the pastor if he wanted any cucumber, and he shouted..
"EwwW No, I don't know where that things been!"

Embarrassed the woman yelled back "That's why I peeled it!"
Just to notice that her son was shoving a lollypop in the pastors face.

=======================================

Duck what?!

A woman arrives at the vet's office with a duck and waits patiently in the office for the vet to arrive.
He pauses inspects the duck which appears to not be moving and says "I'm sorry your duck is dead ma'am"

The woman sobs quietly and pleads him to do a check up to make sure, so the vet shrugs and checks his
pulse and reflexes and again states "I'm sorry but your duck is dead"

The woman shakes her head and demands he checks again. The vet goes over and opens the door and
whistles and a few seconds later a Chocolate Labrador trots in jumps up onto the table and sniffs the duck
up and down then shakes it's head before padding out the door again. The vet at this point says
"I'm sorry but your duck is dead"

But the woman is adamant she demands he does something openly crying now so the vet again opens the
door and whistles. A siamese slinks inside the door and just like to dog jumps up onto the table and sniffs
the duck up and down before shaking it's head and leaving. "I'm sorry but your duck is dead" the vet says
again.

The woman wipes her tears sadly and picks up her duck gently "Okay okay thank you for your time" she
says, but the Vet responds with "Okay that will be $120"

The woman reels in shock "$120!?!?! that's ridiculous"

The vet responds with "Well I was only going to charge you $20 but then we had the lab test and the cat scan"

=======================================

The magical, mystical "F" word!

"F" is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.

In language,

Greetings- How the fuck are you?
Fraud -I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay -Oh, fuck it!
Trouble -Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression -Fuck you.
Disgust -Fuck me.
Confusion -What the fuck...?
Difficulty -I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair -Fucked again.
Incompetence -He fucks up everything.
Displeasure -What the fuck is going on here?
Lost -Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief -Unfuckingbelieveable.
Retaliation -Up your fucking ass.
Telling time -I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".
It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."

And, never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"
And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic:
"Where is all this fucking water coming from?"

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word.
How can anyone be offended when you say fuck?
Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.

Today - say to someone "Fuck You!"

=======================================

Brand New Bike

An engineering student arrives at campus on a brand new motorbike.
His friend gasps, "Where did you get that?"

"Well, I was walking along," says the student, "when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She got off, took off all her clothes, and said 'Take what you want,' so I did!"

*smitty I need some help with this one*

=======================================

Fed up!

A man with six kids is very proud of himself. He calls his wife
"Mother of Six", even though she hates it.

One night, when leaving a party at a friend's house, he calls to her,
"Time to go home, Mother of Six!"

Finally fed up, before she could really think about it she replies back,
I'm coming, Father of Four!

=======================================

The Penguin Parade

A policeman pulls a man over who is driving a pickup truck full of penguins.
"Don't you know it is illegal to drive around with a truck full of penguins?" the policeman asks,
"I want you to take them all to the zoo immediately."
"Yes sir." replies the man, and he is sent on his way.
The next day, the policeman sees the same man driving around with his truck
full of penguins, except now they are all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls the man over promptly, and asks, "Didn't I tell you to take all these penguins to the zoo?"
The man answers, "I did sir, today I'm taking them to the beach."

to be continued!

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#17
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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...continued from previous posting (so they won't be so long)

=======================================

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear... 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn 't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted............

=======================================

Sarah Palin as a Garbage Pail Kid

http://www.holytaco.com/2008/10/07/if-sara...rbage-pail-kid/

The Slaughterhouse is not responsible for the contents of that link.

=======================================

*throws a pile of poop at your windshield shattering it and causing you to spin out into a field of cow pies*

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#18
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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http://somehedgehog.livejournal.com/245807.html

I was bored and read it. Some might find it funny. I get it, but not so funny to me.

But the idea of Hillary Clinton in a bronze bra really is a moment of shuddering.

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#19
Syrius

Syrius

    Green Eggs And Ham

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What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?


A brunette with bad breath.

how can you tell when a blonde has been on your computer?

by the white-out on the screen.
I walk the path of Darkness, people say I'm evil for it, I say they are wrong.
Light and Dark by themselves are neutral entities, sure good generally chooses the light, while evil generally chooses the dark. However, it is not the path you walk, but how you walk it. It is not the power you weild, but how you weild it.

#20
Shattered Skulls

Shattered Skulls

    The Sneetches And Other Stories

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A blonde walks into a pizza parlor and orders a pizza. The girl behind the counter asks her if she wants it cut into six or twelve pieces. The blonde says:

"Oh, six pieces. I don't think I could eat twelve!"

Posted Image
Posted ImageI see what you did there.Posted Image
Posted ImageA fractured mind is a beautiful thing.Posted Image
Posted ImageThe internet is for...Posted Image
"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, I'd rather be completely fucking mental!"
(Angelina Jolie)

Posted Image

We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?





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