Jump to content

Welcome to Second Shifters Forums
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

Jokes


  • Please log in to reply
44 replies to this topic

#41
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 442 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fort Bragg, North Carolina, USA (maybe)
The case of the little old lady (late yes, but funny anyways)

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on
the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: Certainly. There I was, sitting on my porch on a warm
Spring evening when a young man comes creeping up and sat
down next to me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know this young man?
Little Old Lady: No, but he was rather friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He rubbed my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you tell him to stop?
Little Old Lady: No.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: Because it felt good. No one has touched me since my
Albert passed away.

Defense Attorney: I see. What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to fondle my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No.

Defense Attorney: Why didn't you?
Little Old Lady: I felt alive and excited. I haven't felt like that
in years!

Defense Attorney: Do go on.
Little Old Lady: Well by then I already felt the burning fire within me
and so I laid down and told him, "Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell no! He just yelled "APRIL FOOL!",
and that's when I shot the motherfucker!

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#42
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 442 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fort Bragg, North Carolina, USA (maybe)
(posted after the Old Lady incident above)
Her brother the moron...

A pregnant woman is involved in an accident and falls into a deep coma.
After nearly six months she wakes up and sees shes no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies "Maam, you had twins! A boy and a girl and theyre both fine.
Your brother came in and named them."
"Oh no, not my brother! Hes an idiot! whats the girls name?"
"Denise"
"Wow thats not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise
"And whats the boys name?"
"DeNephew"

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#43
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 442 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fort Bragg, North Carolina, USA (maybe)
(posted after her brother the moron...)

Consider all proposals carefully

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#44
Opticallusion

Opticallusion

    The Cat In The Hat Comes Back

  • Forum Moderator
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,372 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:here
bwahahaha! omg, i don't know which made me laugh harder. lovely way to start the day. *snicker*
just give me a minute, i'm thinking...

Posted Image

#45
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 442 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fort Bragg, North Carolina, USA (maybe)
Lots of Jokes and things (bit of a long one)

some of these jokes aren't tasteless, they're intentionally unseasoned ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard Steven Jobs died of pancreatic cancer... PC killed him after all.

What did the one cancer cell say to another? Let's get some Jobs.

They tried to save Steve Jobs by giving him a last minute transplant but he didn't support that plugin.

The Apple never falls far from the tombstone...

Steve Jobs was the apple of our i

When Steve Jobs met St Peter, he looked at the book and whips out his iPhone saying, "I have an app for that."

They have nothing better then to go after someone that just died. It makes you wonder how low some individuals can go.
Well according to these jokes, about six feet under... but they dig it.


-----------------------------------------------

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
After hearing about this extravagant gift a friend of his says,
"I thought she wanted one of those Sporty four wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replies "But where was I going to find a fake JEEP!

-----------------------------------------------

Remix of proverbs

Dont bite the hand... that looks dirty.

Where theres smoke theres...pollution.

Children should be seen and not...
Spanked or grounded

Its always darkest before...
You switch on the lights.

You cant teach an old dog...maths

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and...you have to blow your nose.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Two is company, threes...the musketeers

All proverbs and testing conducted on 2nd graders

-----------------------------------------------

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet
dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies
and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by,
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard, "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a
monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he
can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
leopard. So, off he goes.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the
dachshund says "Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"

----------------------------------------------------------

Wikipedia says: "I know everything!"
Facebook says:" I know everybody!"
Google says: "I can find anything!"
Internet says: "Without me you're nothing!"
Electricity says: "Keep talkin', bitches."

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users