I hate admitting that too. It bothers me lately that I don't feel as self-reliant as I used to be. I never asked for help before a certain point in my life...
I've been alone for two years now, through a rough divorce that went against me three years before it happened. My exwife never intended to stay married, only wanted a child and to live at home with her mother for the rest of her life...she finally got her wish at my expense. She was the one that got me to stop relying solely on myself to beat a problem. I thought I loved her and she loved me. I think before we split I knew it was coming and when I got to spend a night in a place I never thought I'd see it ended any resemblance of emotion I had for her.
So present day I can try again if I choose, and know someone I feel strongly enough for to try again...but it paralyzes my mind when I even try to tell her. I feel pain the same time I feel that desire to be with her. I can't get it out of me, and I know she's the type that would just rather hear it flat out and know where I stand. But for six months I've choked on it like it's stuck inside of me.
Add to this the fact I don't want to wake up some days even though I feel like that. I don't enjoy anything anymore really. There are days I drive to or from work (and it's almost 2 hours one-way) where I stop driving and let go of the steering wheel (...my car's alignment is excellent btw and on the straight roads it never fails to stay straight, call it what you will...). I work and I go home, I eat, listen to this music when I get the chance (..dialup is not my friend for this) I mess around with my PS2 and my PC, I fiddle around on the mud i've been with since I've been with my job....I sleep. Rinse and repeat.
Pills popping to overcome a skin condition (which incidentally has the potential to outright kill me if I screw up the dosage) and my tired feeling. My friends I have left really aren't friends...more like people that barely tolerate me. I may actually have one or two in there that truly do qualify as friends, but most of them would probably say if they never saw me again it wouldn't bother them....I see myself that way too lately (if I got invited to a party and never showed up, nobody would notice).
When I have a problem, I shut down as much of my emotions as I can and run on logic, discipline, and reasoning....at least that's the way it used to be. But now...I feel empty and tired, and what little of the logic works barely deals with keeping work straight.
I'm also having the problem where I can't stand being around people anymore....I want to push everyone away (and then I think about the one person I want...and it confuses me).
And I have the voices in my head, of the people I wish I could see again and never will. The "silence of the dead" is not silence at all, the forgotten past is not forgotten. I hear everything in my sleep and sometimes when I'm awake. I try to focus on something besides what's in my head....and all I get is more focus on what's in my head.
I've fixed a few things in my life, only to find holes everywhere else. Or maybe the patchwork I've done has fallen apart.
Then there is the rare day I can look at the world and feel like I could take out anything with a rusty butter knife and one leg tied to a boulder being pushed into a volcano. My mind allows me to create again, my writing flows out for a fleeting moment. Nothing fazes me and all seems well. And what I feel for the one I want to be with is strong enough I start building up the ability to let it out....then all of it is gone again.
And I hurt...pain in my body. My old joints that aren't really old, but they feel that way. And I'm sitting here on a work computer after I've clocked out...feeling to tired to drive home, but I have to. And not knowing whether I'll make it this time or not. I know where I can go and "forget" how to drive and things will not matter anymore. But the voices tell me to hold on, because somewhere deep down I'm still fighting to see the next day, even if I don't care it ever comes.
I think I'm finally lost....because I really don't know where I'm at anymore. I've failed myself because I can't rely on myself to find my way out of this, and that bothers me more. I've kicked myself into the dirt for it, because of this. But now I have to pick a direction because sitting here isn't getting me anywhere.........but I feel so tired I just want to lay here and let never come.
.................... and then there was that one fleeting moment where i felt the tides of fate wash over the world and I knew everything was going to be settled for me soon.....
then maybe i should just fade away, like a candle flaming out....
Edited by starphoenixkoroias, 11 January 2008 - 11:41 PM.