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Your thoughts on torture


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#21
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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This is the end of the story..........



..........don't mind the cries in the night.



A requiem orchestra of wails and screams..........



..........a perfect chorus and the gift given to me.



It is as it is meant to be

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#22
Shattered Skulls

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:blink:

Posted Image
Posted ImageI see what you did there.Posted Image
Posted ImageA fractured mind is a beautiful thing.Posted Image
Posted ImageThe internet is for...Posted Image
"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, I'd rather be completely fucking mental!"
(Angelina Jolie)

Posted Image

We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?


#23
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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Originally I was just going to send this message to Atnevon and him alone cause out of the people that responded he was the only one that seemed to want to help me get some logic involved in a way that I had not...but I thought about it hard for a few days and then again right before I did this (I was in the middle of writing it to him). It belongs here I think.

---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Atnevon,

Just wanted to let you know since you seemed to go on a mini-crusade on my behalf that I actually found someone that'll listen. Oddly enough they're not a shrink, but it still helps. They've got a different view of why I do what I do and weren't the least bit offended. Just a little taken aback by how readily I could do what I do. -- I just messaged you alone cause I was getting some flack about what I posted (see below).

Oh and if you've taken the time to read my new signature, I have been getting some raw emails from people. I guess I offended a few persons. I don't want you to try and say anything about it, just realize that I put that there for a reason. I guess I touched off a chord. I don't hide my email but it gets frustrating when people can't let other people try to find a solution. But on the other hand it is one of those things people can't help but to get responsive over so I guess it was inevitable.

You did help even if it wasn't what you thought you were doing at the time. The person I'm talking to now said it's one of those things that I really am both types of people fighting over the same thing....the one that really likes the idea of blood and doing things that I discussed and the one that can't understand how it could happen. Sort of like the yin and yang thing battling and out of balance or whatever you wish to compare it to. But they've also helped me understand that I might never stop it since whatever seems to be compelling me is as strong as it is.

Initially the shrink I was seeing was promising but he freaked out on me ... this person was just "man on the street" as it were kinda like you. They understood I didn't trust anyone that offered to help cause of the true lack of help I was getting, but it's been a couple weeks and lots of 1am chats and I'm not even having to visit an office of sorts. And yes, I am still doing my handiwork cause as it has been described to me like trying to hold back a river with a sheet of saran wrap. I dunno how to describe who I'm seeing other than that they listen and it is what it is now. But the mutilations have gone down slightly so I suppose that's progress. So I may let you know from time to time how things are going, or maybe I won't. New path to follow, so I dunno where it's going to take me.

(this was added on after the fact)

And as an addendum to this, people were wondering if i did this just to get a "rise" out of people. Most of what I do isn't to get a rise out of people. Yeah, I do genuinely like to see it when people are having a bad day. And I may quip about things that could've made it worse. I've always said I like messing with people's heads, but whether or not they respond to it is up to them. Sanctuary's trip is a prime example. Chasing planes around the terminal, I'd have been someone that would've laughed my ass off if she had made it to the gate only to find the plane had gone already. That's just me. It's the bit of evil in me that enjoys that. And since I couldn't witness the event I had to bring in my own brand of commentary.

This whole string I've been receiving some mails (I don't know how public this particular part of the forum is so I dunno if random joe schmo could read it or not, i really don't care though) with people saying the same thing. Everything I do has to have a purpose, even if it is a warped or sometimes mean purpose...it has one. But keep bringing it. It'll be fun to hear about it when you wind up in the hospital with the same afflictions as you wished I would have. And i'll be laughing my ass off when it gets posted on the 10pm news.

Sanctuary was the obligatory "nice" person. Every place I go I have one. The one person that always thinks I'm doing it for any other reason than but what is most likely. *shrug* But the type of person you are is also one of the reasons why people like me don't become rapists or mass-murderers. I got a few friends like you that I direct some of my worst at cause they know how to give me a swift kick in the head (which tends to make me worse at times but they get the idea). One of my best friends for over 8 years (we'll call him Starky to protect his identity) realized that about me a long time ago...after about a year of the "abuse" I like to dish out.

But yeah...all of this was related in a sense so that is what it is. Sanctuary, look at it this way as Starky put it... "It's better he's trying to make you cry and he's messing with you, that means somewhere in his evil brain he almost likes you. If he wasn't doing that then I'd be really worried, cause I've seen what happens to people otherwise."
And that's from 8 years of insight, so I kept that copied on my pc cause it was freaking funny to me.

Someday Atnevon I'll have to send you the pictures of my work. It may be therapeutic for me in the end. And be honest about what you see if I ever do.

Yeesh, well that was a bit of a rant but I had to get it out.
And expect worse from me now since Sanctuary has challenged me to bring my worst at her. It might get a little scary :D

style1,Starphoenix.png


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I'm a good cook, really!


#24
Starphoenix Koroias

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Think about your inspirations for this for a bit if you can for me and then I'd really like it if you could call me. I'd really like to talk to you and see if there's not anything we can't perhaps find the cause to. This request also goes out to anyone here that is looking for an outlet in similar circumstances. My line is always open to you.

From your post, I think we share a common goal to curb against this and we're most definitely all behind you. More importantly, We're here to listen if you're willing.

Also, I was curious if this invite was still open. I'd like to take you up on it. My ...i guess you can call them a spiritual counselor of sorts ...said it might be a good idea. I copy/pasted the length of this forum to them (hopefully I didn't cross any lines I shouldn't have but I thought it'd help them understand what I tried) minus your phone number of course. If not I understand.

style1,Starphoenix.png


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I'm a good cook, really!


#25
Atnevon

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Also, I was curious if this invite was still open. I'd like to take you up on it. My ...i guess you can call them a spiritual counselor of sorts ...said it might be a good idea. I copy/pasted the length of this forum to them (hopefully I didn't cross any lines I shouldn't have but I thought it'd help them understand what I tried) minus your phone number of course. If not I understand.

The invite is still open. I do have to make one note though, just so there's not any hard feelings or misunderstandings.

I'm not really going to be able to stay on the line for detailed descriptions of your work. You can call me squeamish if you like, but I have pets of my own that I love quite a good deal, and descriptions of things like that aren't really something I feel comfortable putting myself through at this point, and I don't think they're necessary to get to the heart of the issue.

Aside from that, my ear is open.
The sky was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel. - William Gibson

#26
Shattered Skulls

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I guess I should put something completely serious in here. I did try to be serious earlier, but meh...I'm never serious.

:blink:

Ahem. Anywho...

I'll admit (albeit a bit reluctanctly, for what should be obvious reasons) that I would have absolutely no trouble at all torturing someone; hell, I'd enjoy it immensely. Here's the thing with me, though: I wouldn't torture an animal. I could say that some humans are like animals, but that would be an insult to those who can't speak our language in order to properly defend themselves.

Yeah, I'm kinda weird...

Anyway, my point is that you should focus whatever anger you have at the right people. What really pisses you off? What makes you wanna spit fire and make someone bleed to death? What makes you wanna see someone's head come clean off and do an impression of something from the exorcist?

Aim all your rage, frustration, hatred, whatever toward that person or that group of people. For me, it'd be politicians. Lose yourself in the illusion that you're torturing the hell out of that moron (or those morons) much in the same way that most people lose themselves in a daydream. Perhaps that will sate some of your bloodthirstiness.

As a side note, though, kudos for finding someone who can talk to you on your level and doesn't mind you talking back. Hope you become great friends. It always helps to have someone you can count on like that.

Tell ya the truth, pal, I'm kinda jealous. :huh:

Posted Image
Posted ImageI see what you did there.Posted Image
Posted ImageA fractured mind is a beautiful thing.Posted Image
Posted ImageThe internet is for...Posted Image
"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, I'd rather be completely fucking mental!"
(Angelina Jolie)

Posted Image

We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?


#27
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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The invite is still open. I do have to make one note though, just so there's not any hard feelings or misunderstandings.

I'm not really going to be able to stay on the line for detailed descriptions of your work. You can call me squeamish if you like, but I have pets of my own that I love quite a good deal, and descriptions of things like that aren't really something I feel comfortable putting myself through at this point, and I don't think they're necessary to get to the heart of the issue.

Aside from that, my ear is open.


Hehe. Don't worry. That type of talk is left to my advisor. He gets a little squeamish too but it helps him to understand me. Although a description of how the muscle fibers seperate and tear can chill a few people in ways they don't expect. He only suggested it to help me.

Anyway, my point is that you should focus whatever anger you have at the right people. What really pisses you off? What makes you wanna spit fire and make someone bleed to death? What makes you wanna see someone's head come clean off and do an impression of something from the exorcist?

Aim all your rage, frustration, hatred, whatever toward that person or that group of people. For me, it'd be politicians. Lose yourself in the illusion that you're torturing the hell out of that moron (or those morons) much in the same way that most people lose themselves in a daydream. Perhaps that will sate some of your bloodthirstiness.

As a side note, though, kudos for finding someone who can talk to you on your level and doesn't mind you talking back. Hope you become great friends. It always helps to have someone you can count on like that.

Tell ya the truth, pal, I'm kinda jealous.


Don't be jealous. This isn't gonna be a friendship for me. I just need to find an answer, and right now this person is guiding me. But you take allies where you can if you fight a battle you're not sure you can win on your own.

And about "losing myself thinking about it". I can do that too easy, but it just doesn't compare to having flesh and bones and something struggling to free itself, crying out for some small hope that you aren't about to do what both you and the unfortunate recipient know is going to happen.


I guess I'm sorta at the stage where the balance of the forces of nature tipped so far over they flipped over and i'm on the underside of the opposite end. If you can understand that logic you can get a sense for where I feel like i'm at.

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I'm a good cook, really!


#28
Sanctuary

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starphoenixkoroias,

I haven't forgotten about you - and I am going to be posting to you within the next day or two. I can guarantee you but one thing...

It will be an honest post.
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#29
Sanctuary

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Iím not going to reply to you in order of your last post Ė just for the sake of tying in everything Iím about to say so that it make some sort of coherent sense.

Like I said it my previous post Ė the only thing you can expect from this post is that I will be honest with you. For whatever thatís worth.

Sanctuary was the obligatory "nice" person. Every place I go I have one. The one person that always thinks I'm doing it for any other reason than but what is most likely. *shrug* But the type of person you are is also one of the reasons why people like me don't become rapists or mass-murderers. I got a few friends like you that I direct some of my worst at cause they know how to give me a swift kick in the head (which tends to make me worse at times but they get the idea). One of my best friends for over 8 years (we'll call him Starky to protect his identity) realized that about me a long time ago...after about a year of the "abuse" I like to dish out.

This I wanted to address right away so there is no mistake about who I am as a ďpersonĒ. Iím not an obligatory nice person, I am, for the most part, a nice person Ė but I want you to make no mistake here Ė this does not mean I donít have a sharp pair of teeth and am incapable or UNWILLING to use them Ė I do Ė when necessary. (Much to people surprise and I catch a lot of heat when I do it as Iím not ďallowedĒ to be anything but nice according to them and there idealized version of who I am. Bloody unfair if you ask me. Thatís a hell of a lot for a person to live up too.) Donít mistake kindness for weakness of any sort. People do that far to often for my liking. Itís highly foolish for anyone to do that. Especially when dealing with me. ;-) (As you pointed out, ďknow how to give a swift kick in the head when neededĒ) ;-)

This may come as a surprise to you, and most often I donít say what goes on behind closed doors, but in this case Iím going to make an exception. Most people, not all, but most, felt this thread should be deleted. It was me that pushed that it wasnít.

Surprised?

I know many people reading this will be.

My reasoning for this was very simple. There are several possible reasons for someone to post about this sort of thing. Iíll list two.

1.Shock value / to get people upset.
2. Theyíre sincere.

My attitude is pretty simple. If itís for reason number 1, Iím not concerned - no harm, no fowl and no big deal. If itís for reason number 2, I absolutely refuse to turn my back on someone making a valid effort to change something about themselves. I will not enable them to continue the behavior, but so long as they are making the effort, Iíll put my energy into them and Iím willing to stand by them. (Even if it might cause me some distress to do so.) If they arenít willing to put there own energy into it - I wonít put mine.

To delete your post, as far as I was concerned, was to silence you when asking for help. Again, not something Iím willing to do in this case or in most. (There are always exceptions.) Even though Iím an animal lover. (Youíre talking with a girl who didnít sleep much for a week or so trying to save the life her kitty Ė I failed.) So you can imagine, reading these things isnít something that makes me particularly happy Ė but in this case Ė I have to try to place my own feelings aside about what youíre doing. Itís a part of why Iíve not said much up until now, as itís reach a point where I think I need too. If, for no other reason, than for you to understand my take on things and help you remove any preconceived notions you might have on some things.

Iím glad that you feel someone like me is one of the reasons people donít become rapists and murderers and belief it or not I can almost understand why you tend to hit us harder than most people. Iím actually used to that with people. I get hit pretty hard and often Ė Iím okay with that. I know what Iím made of and what my limits are. Better me than someone else.

I have no idea why you do what you do Ė I canít understand it because of the person that I am, a failing perhaps on my end - but I can tell you what I do know. I know Iíve said this to you before, but Iíll say it again - itís not who you are as a whole. Itís just a part of you. Not you as a whole Ė which is actually what matters more than you may know.

And as an addendum to this, people were wondering if i did this just to get a "rise" out of people. Most of what I do isn't to get a rise out of people. Yeah, I do genuinely like to see it when people are having a bad day. And I may quip about things that could've made it worse. I've always said I like messing with people's heads, but whether or not they respond to it is up to them. Sanctuary's trip is a prime example. Chasing planes around the terminal, I'd have been someone that would've laughed my ass off if she had made it to the gate only to find the plane had gone already. That's just me. It's the bit of evil in me that enjoys that. And since I couldn't witness the event I had to bring in my own brand of commentary.

Now, Iím not saying you always do things to try to get a rise out of people, but in many case you do and as you said yourself Ė you enjoy it and you enjoy messing with peoples heads. While that in itself doesnít bother me Ė some people are just like that Ė messing with peoples heads is something I disagree with. Itís, in my opinion, abusive, cruel and often unnecessary. That being said, If you were to mess with someoneís head that is a certain "type" of human being, say, one that does it to others or causes deliberate harm to others etc Ė Iíd probably be right behind you with a stamp of approval. In fact, I'd probably be right there with you. Call it my weird moral code, call it hypocrisy Ė whatever Ė I donít mind. I call it something else.

Sometimes ethics and values need to be broken for the grater good. Every rule, or even thought, has an exception. Barely anything in any value systems is carved is solid stone. There are grey areas.

As for the plane Ė hell - that makes me laugh my head off too. I laugh a lot at myself, as the most bizarre, whacked out stuff usually happens to me. Either you learn to laugh - or - you cry or both LOL

Oh and if you've taken the time to read my new signature, I have been getting some raw emails from people. I guess I offended a few persons. I don't want you to try and say anything about it, just realize that I put that there for a reason. I guess I touched off a chord. I don't hide my email but it gets frustrating when people can't let other people try to find a solution. But on the other hand it is one of those things people can't help but to get responsive over so I guess it was inevitable.

I read it, and for the record, I donít agree with incognito emails or the like. Iím a face-to-face person. You will usually see the knife coming and youíll never have to guess what I think of you or your actions, cause Iíll most likely be the first to tell you. There is NO guesswork when it comes to me and I prefer when dealing with others to have it the same way.

That being said, you have to consider that the nature of your issue may make some people afraid of you. So I can understand why they would choose that root in your case and I canít fault them for it. They just donít feel safe telling it to you directly. You shouldn't fault them for that either.

As for the nature of the emails: You know very well that negative responses to what youíve been doing are inevitable; youíre not a stupid person. Part of it is that youíre commenting about the issue all over the board, which Iím very sure has annoyed many people. Itís why a while back I requested you keep those types of comments in here. Itís only fair to respect how other members might feel about reading ithis type of thing. If they come in this thread, they are very aware of what the contents and have subjected themselves to it. For that I haven't much sympathy for them - but - elsewhere on the board, they aren't expected it and you canít expect that they are gonig to take it well. Itís unfair of you too.

But yeah...all of this was related in a sense so that is what it is. Sanctuary, look at it this way as Starky put it... "It's better he's trying to make you cry and he's messing with you, that means somewhere in his evil brain he almost likes you. If he wasn't doing that then I'd be really worried, cause I've seen what happens to people otherwise."

And expect worse from me now since Sanctuary has challenged me to bring my worst at her. It might get a little scary

And scary enough I understand this too. LoL My point to posting to you was that you were getting a little out of line and pissing other people off and part of my obligation is to attempt to be fair to all the members, not just one or two. Although the forum is not active participation wise, it is ewell read soI have to respect those people too. Itís a fine line to balance on but one we need too to respect everyone.

That wasnít a challenge by the way Ė it was an opportunity. You ďseemedĒ to post a lot of this stuff around the board where I had posted, almost as if you were trying to push my buttons, or get a reaction or rise out of me. Maybe because Iím a girl you feel that itís easier to play with my head or get a rise out of me than if I were male? That Iím somehow more squeamish as a female? Or simply you have something against me and were poking and poking. I donít know. It did appear, and not just to me, to others as well, that you were. I simply decided it was about time to get to the bottom of that and basically asked you to come out with it. If you disliked me and wanted to get a rise out of me or whatever. I simply was providing you with the opportunity to do so. To get whatever it was out in the open and off your chest.

For the record, not much scares me anymore - not walking the path I have and do.

Someday Atnevon I'll have to send you the pictures of my work. It may be therapeutic for me in the end. And be honest about what you see if I ever do.

Now, just so there are no surprises here Ė if you ever post your work on the board, send them to a member or the like univited, I will ban you. I really wonít want to Ė so please donít test my resolve on that. I have limits to things and that would be one of them. There are lines you just donít cross. So Iím going to ask you not to cross this one with me. Nothing good would come of it and honestly, Iíd really much rather we didnít go down that path. Believe it or not, Iíd miss you. I do like having you around. I donítí think youíre a bad person at all.

Yeesh, well that was a bit of a rant but I had to get it out.

We all need that from time to time. I, for one, am glad you did.

Just wanted to let you know since you seemed to go on a mini-crusade on my behalf that I actually found someone that'll listen. Oddly enough they're not a shrink, but it still helps. They've got a different view of why I do what I do and weren't the least bit offended. Just a little taken aback by how readily I could do what I do. -- I just messaged you alone cause I was getting some flack about what I posted.

Iím very happy to hear that you found someone to listen. I know Atnevon has been working hard finding someone to see you, with some positive luck as well. Sadly, a few very willing were a little to far from you and as you wonít tell him exactly where you are Ė it was limiting where he could look. I do know they were all very honest, even the ones that said they couldnít treat you as they didnít think they were emotionally able too and some were afraid of their won safety as they had families to consider. So I can see where youíve been having a difficult time finding someone to work with.

You did help even if it wasn't what you thought you were doing at the time. The person I'm talking to now said it's one of those things that I really am both types of people fighting over the same thing....the one that really likes the idea of blood and doing things that I discussed and the one that can't understand how it could happen. Sort of like the yin and yang thing battling and out of balance or whatever you wish to compare it to. But they've also helped me understand that I might never stop it since whatever seems to be compelling me is as strong as it is.

Iím glad that you are getting a better understanding of yourself and why you are doing what you are. Progress is progress Ė even if itís just a little. As the saying goes ďRome wasnít built in a dayĒ. This is certainly not something youíre going to find a quick solution to. The fact that you keep trying is what I admire. So many people just give up. Iím glad youíre not that type of person.

But the mutilations have gone down slightly so I suppose that's progress. So I may let you know from time to time how things are going, or maybe I won't. New path to follow, so I dunno where it's going to take me.

Yes it is progress.

Iím wishing you well with it. None of us knows where we are going half the time. The point I donít think is in the knowing but the efforts made.

I hope you do come back and let us know how you are. I really do.
Posted Image

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I'm Dexter in training - so watch it! Imma watchin' you!

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

#30
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

    And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

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(content edited for space, see previous post for everything)

Like I said it my previous post Ė the only thing you can expect from this post is that I will be honest with you. For whatever thatís worth.

This may come as a surprise to you, and most often I donít say what goes on behind closed doors, but in this case Iím going to make an exception. Most people, not all, but most, felt this thread should be deleted. It was me that pushed that it wasnít.

Surprised? I know many people reading this will be.

----------

Now, Iím not saying you always do things to try to get a rise out of people, but in many case you do and as you said yourself Ė you enjoy it and you enjoy messing with peoples heads. While that in itself doesnít bother me Ė some people are just like that Ė messing with peoples heads is something I disagree with. Itís, in my opinion, abusive, cruel and often unnecessary. That being said, If you were to mess with someoneís head that is a certain "type" of human being, say, one that does it to others or causes deliberate harm to others etc Ė Iíd probably be right behind you with a stamp of approval. In fact, I'd probably be right there with you. Call it my weird moral code, call it hypocrisy Ė whatever Ė I donít mind. I call it something else.

As for the plane Ė hell - that makes me laugh my head off too. I laugh a lot at myself, as the most bizarre, whacked out stuff usually happens to me. Either you learn to laugh - or - you cry or both LOL

----------

I read it, and for the record, I donít agree with incognito emails or the like. Iím a face-to-face person. You will usually see the knife coming and youíll never have to guess what I think of you or your actions, cause Iíll most likely be the first to tell you. There is NO guesswork when it comes to me and I prefer when dealing with others to have it the same way.

That being said, you have to consider that the nature of your issue may make some people afraid of you. So I can understand why they would choose that root in your case and I canít fault them for it. They just donít feel safe telling it to you directly. You shouldn't fault them for that either.

As for the nature of the emails: You know very well that negative responses to what youíve been doing are inevitable; youíre not a stupid person. Part of it is that youíre commenting about the issue all over the board, which Iím very sure has annoyed many people. Itís why a while back I requested you keep those types of comments in here. Itís only fair to respect how other members might feel about reading ithis type of thing. If they come in this thread, they are very aware of what the contents and have subjected themselves to it. For that I haven't much sympathy for them - but - elsewhere on the board, they aren't expected it and you canít expect that they are gonig to take it well. Itís unfair of you too.

----------

And scary enough I understand this too. LoL My point to posting to you was that you were getting a little out of line and pissing other people off and part of my obligation is to attempt to be fair to all the members, not just one or two. Although the forum is not active participation wise, it is ewell read soI have to respect those people too. Itís a fine line to balance on but one we need too to respect everyone.

That wasnít a challenge by the way Ė it was an opportunity. You ďseemedĒ to post a lot of this stuff around the board where I had posted, almost as if you were trying to push my buttons, or get a reaction or rise out of me. Maybe because Iím a girl you feel that itís easier to play with my head or get a rise out of me than if I were male? That Iím somehow more squeamish as a female? Or simply you have something against me and were poking and poking. I donít know. It did appear, and not just to me, to others as well, that you were. I simply decided it was about time to get to the bottom of that and basically asked you to come out with it. If you disliked me and wanted to get a rise out of me or whatever. I simply was providing you with the opportunity to do so. To get whatever it was out in the open and off your chest.

For the record, not much scares me anymore - not walking the path I have and do.

----------

Iím very happy to hear that you found someone to listen. I know Atnevon has been working hard finding someone to see you, with some positive luck as well. Sadly, a few very willing were a little to far from you and as you wonít tell him exactly where you are Ė it was limiting where he could look. I do know they were all very honest, even the ones that said they couldnít treat you as they didnít think they were emotionally able too and some were afraid of their won safety as they had families to consider. So I can see where youíve been having a difficult time finding someone to work with.

Iím glad that you are getting a better understanding of yourself and why you are doing what you are. Progress is progress Ė even if itís just a little. As the saying goes ďRome wasnít built in a dayĒ. This is certainly not something youíre going to find a quick solution to. The fact that you keep trying is what I admire. So many people just give up. Iím glad youíre not that type of person.

I hope you do come back and let us know how you are. I really do


---------- ----------

I wasn't going to even bother reading anything. I've been away for a week or more (I didn't keep track of the time, no need to). But why not eh?

It doesn't surprise me so much. It's one of those balance things that result from what the situation was.
As far as the messing with heads stuff, it's another one of those things that developed alot like the bloody carving of a living creature. But I found it leaves less scars and can be used in public and it's a concealed weapon at the best of times. But it can be humorous if done the right way.

I make bad jokes about my car accident now. If not me then who right? People can't believe I actually joke at my own pain but at least I've proven I can turn the blade inward and cackle with glee. Your plane thing was just a funny thing.

Somehow even when I'm being reasonable and rational and not ... "shocking" I think the internet just gives people the power to hide. I'd just rather you came out with it and let me know. It's not like I'm gonna rig a GPS to an IP sniffer and hunt you down....


About the comments, I guess it was my sense of humor. I can be warped (but you probably long since figured that out by now). *shrug* Who knows.

Oh, and don't worry about me posting anything HERE. I kinda figured that part out. I just thought maybe I'd send a blank sealed envelope from an undisclosed location containing images of said work.
I tended to keep Atnevon at a sword's length cause like a few of the "professionals" that tried to help me, they ended up trying to sneak me into someplace that would keep me in contained observation. I was researching what he was sending while keeping an eye out. I had one to many offers of help backfire as you could tell.
And after I programmed his phone number into my phone, I sat for an hour last Saturday trying to decide what I would say only to realize I probably didn't have anything to say. But it's there, and my advisor thinks it's a good idea even if I never use it.
"Better to have a lifeline and never use it than to be caught falling without one."

I guess overall I could be considered moving in a direction that isn't counterintuitive. But then I don't know if there is any direction that is any better than the next one. The neighbor's dog pissed me off one too many times barking at 3am. Don't worry, it's still there. Just doesn't bark much anymore. I guess you could consider that progress for you furry-lovers <_< But one day my advisor encouraged me to do my worst. Even brought a few strays over. We're still replacing the dirt out back, got a bit messy.

Can't think of anything else.

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#31
Sanctuary

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---------- ----------

I wasn't going to even bother reading anything. I've been away for a week or more (I didn't keep track of the time, no need to). But why not eh?

It doesn't surprise me so much. It's one of those balance things that result from what the situation was.

As far as the messing with heads stuff, it's another one of those things that developed a lot like the bloody carving of a living creature. But I found it leaves less scars and can be used in public and it's a concealed weapon at the best of times. But it can be humorous if done the right way.


Well you did and I'm glad you did.

If it didn't surprise you , perhaps you know me a little better than I thought. ;)

I would disagree in some ways - messing with someones head can and does leave scares that can be very lasting. It's a concealed weapon - I agree and one I do disagree with using unless it's absolutely necessary. Then again, I disagree with causing harm to anything, anyone or any creature without a damn good reason to do so. (but that's an ethical thing one can debate.)

In that, I don't share your humour. There is no joy in harming something IMHO - even when necessary to do so. You and I will always differ there. I find no joy in it - only sorrow when it needs to be done and I do it with a heavy heart. (Often to protect someone else.)



---------- ----------
I make bad jokes about my car accident now. If not me then who right? People can't believe I actually joke at my own pain but at least I've proven I can turn the blade inward and cackle with glee. Your plane thing was just a funny thing.


Being able to laugh and joke at yourself is a good trait.



---------- ----------
Somehow even when I'm being reasonable and rational and not ... "shocking" I think the internet just gives people the power to hide. I'd just rather you came out with it and let me know. It's not like I'm gonna rig a GPS to an IP sniffer and hunt you down....


I've seen you reasonable and rational - it's revealed a lot about you in those moments - some you probably don't even know. One is that you definitely have a sense of right and wrong. Also - loyalty. Both very good traits and they are rather strong within you - which is why the animals torcher probably puzzles me to some extent. You know the difference between good and bad - right and wrong. Puts you in a very different mind then most that share your other traits.

People are afraid of technology - and what can be done. Not necessarily what someone will do - often the thought is enough alone. We are a society ruled by fear. You can't really expect others to 'assume" you'd be harmless to them. Look at your words sometimes - and you're actions.



---------- ----------

About the comments, I guess it was my sense of humor. I can be warped (but you probably long since figured that out by now). *shrug* Who knows.


I have. Often I understand it - sometimes though I don't though perhaps over time I will. Maybe, maybe not.



---------- ----------

Oh, and don't worry about me posting anything HERE. I kinda figured that part out.

I just thought maybe I'd send a blank sealed envelope from an undisclosed location containing images of said work.

I tended to keep Atnevon at a sword's length cause like a few of the "professionals" that tried to help me, they ended up trying to sneak me into someplace that would keep me in contained observation. I was researching what he was sending while keeping an eye out. I had one to many offers of help backfire as you could tell.


LOl I figured you sorted that one out on your own, but I wanted to be crystal clear. I wanted there to be not surprises on that.

Ermm Star - sending images thought the mail would also fall into that category and if you sent them to Atnevon, knowing how he'd feel about it - that would make me very, very cranky. So I'm asking you not to go that path k?

Yes, I see you've had a lot of disappointments - trust me hearing all the problems Atnevons had trying to find you someone - I can believe you've had issues finding someone. Caution is, of course, good in many cases, but you've been around here long enough to know that his word, and mine for that matter, are good.

What would be wrong with observation? You wanted help right? What would be wrong with that? (Providing it wasn't a permanent thing of course) Now I realise that means actually letting another human being inside your head, which, at the best of times can be frightening - but - if you really want the help - why wouldn't you use any means available to get it?



---------- ----------
And after I programmed his phone number into my phone, I sat for an hour last Saturday trying to decide what I would say only to realize I probably didn't have anything to say. But it's there, and my advisor thinks it's a good idea even if I never use it.
"Better to have a lifeline and never use it than to be caught falling without one."


In this - I will agree with your "advisor".



---------- ----------
I guess overall I could be considered moving in a direction that isn't counterintuitive. But then I don't know if there is any direction that is any better than the next one. The neighbor's dog pissed me off one too many times barking at 3am. Don't worry, it's still there. Just doesn't bark much anymore. I guess you could consider that progress for you furry-lovers <_< But one day my advisor encouraged me to do my worst. Even brought a few strays over. We're still replacing the dirt out back, got a bit messy.

Can't think of anything else.


AND here is where I disagree with your advisor. It's like telling an alcoholic with a kidney issue to drink themselves to death.

Doing things like that is what will make it progress worse - not better. It's moving one step closer to a place you really don't want to be.
Posted Image

Sometimes it's in the darkness that we truly learn to see.

I'm Dexter in training - so watch it! Imma watchin' you!

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#32
Starphoenix Koroias

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Well you did and I'm glad you did.

If it didn't surprise you , perhaps you know me a little better than I thought. ;)

I would disagree in some ways - messing with someones head can and does leave scares that can be very lasting. It's a concealed weapon - I agree and one I do disagree with using unless it's absolutely necessary. Then again, I disagree with causing harm to anything, anyone or any creature without a damn good reason to do so. (but that's an ethical thing one can debate.)

In that, I don't share your humour. There is no joy in harming something IMHO - even when necessary to do so. You and I will always differ there. I find no joy in it - only sorrow when it needs to be done and I do it with a heavy heart. (Often to protect someone else.)





Being able to laugh and joke at yourself is a good trait.





I've seen you reasonable and rational - it's revealed a lot about you in those moments - some you probably don't even know. One is that you definitely have a sense of right and wrong. Also - loyalty. Both very good traits and they are rather strong within you - which is why the animals torcher probably puzzles me to some extent. You know the difference between good and bad - right and wrong. Puts you in a very different mind then most that share your other traits.

People are afraid of technology - and what can be done. Not necessarily what someone will do - often the thought is enough alone. We are a society ruled by fear. You can't really expect others to 'assume" you'd be harmless to them. Look at your words sometimes - and you're actions.





I have. Often I understand it - sometimes though I don't though perhaps over time I will. Maybe, maybe not.





LOl I figured you sorted that one out on your own, but I wanted to be crystal clear. I wanted there to be not surprises on that.

Ermm Star - sending images thought the mail would also fall into that category and if you sent them to Atnevon, knowing how he'd feel about it - that would make me very, very cranky. So I'm asking you not to go that path k?

Yes, I see you've had a lot of disappointments - trust me hearing all the problems Atnevons had trying to find you someone - I can believe you've had issues finding someone. Caution is, of course, good in many cases, but you've been around here long enough to know that his word, and mine for that matter, are good.

What would be wrong with observation? You wanted help right? What would be wrong with that? (Providing it wasn't a permanent thing of course) Now I realise that means actually letting another human being inside your head, which, at the best of times can be frightening - but - if you really want the help - why wouldn't you use any means available to get it?





In this - I will agree with your "advisor".





AND here is where I disagree with your advisor. It's like telling an alcoholic with a kidney issue to drink themselves to death.

Doing things like that is what will make it progress worse - not better. It's moving one step closer to a place you really don't want to be.



That's the scary part. I think that's why I'm so good at messing with people's heads. I can figure them out real quick. And use everything against them and turn them into a mass of blubbering cellular residue.

Me reasonable and rational?!?! Ermm...I gotta work on that. I'm supposed to be insane over here. :o

Crystal clear is so subjective.... *cackle* Have you ever looked through unfinished lead crystal? Like trying to see through the London Fog at night. Blindfolded.

*grin* No promises about the mail. I've already discovered more than a little too many ways of doing things like that. The things one learns in a lifetime.....

"Observation" would involve a straighjacket and shots in the ass every three hours. I don't care for that stuff.
And now my advisor is going away for a few weeks. Family business. I'm on my own again.... *peer*

Sanct, what would be scary if i spontaneously sent YOU a present and it was something you actually liked.
Then you'd have to be worried *cackle*

Hehe....Norwegian Forest Cats. Now that'd be a challenge o.O Something as big as me for a change. And even fuzzier. .... probably bites harder though -.-

.....


















Relax already. Not in my blood quite yet.

*cackles maniacally into the night*

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#33
Starphoenix Koroias

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Just an update about this thread I started (and almost 1000 views as of this reply, I'm kinda shocked. But i guess such an unusual topic bears reading).
It's been a while since I been talking to my advisor. Decent chap, if a little morbid (and I don't mind morbid one bit, after all I do slash up living creatures for sport). But after the few controlled instances of me carving up a few critters things have been less bloody (should make Atnevon stop clutching Osiris even if the cat is named after a mutilated egyptian deity). Still digging in the black hole I call my brain to find a reason. We're starting to believe that it may just be what I am and that it'll come in handy someday. Don't worry, I won't go travelling around the world seeking larger critters yet (although the neighbor's dog has suffered some interesting injuries, damned thing barks too much).

On another note, I'm going to stop visiting the forums for awhile. Instead of retyping an explaination I'm going to cut and paste something I posted on the Aardwolf MUD that's been my home online for the last 11 plus years. (content edited slightly)

=======================

Hey everyone. Ancient spirit of evil here to talk to you a bit.

I've let it be known to quite a few people that back in February of this
year I got into a car accident. Shattered one of my ankles and did a good
job breaking the other one. It took me out of life for awhile (online and
my job). Well all these many months later I still have issues which are
natural in the healing process (bit of digression but bear with me).

For awhile now I've been logging in to do my usual thing and talking
to the various peoples that somehow came to form my friends list (yes, it still
baffles me I developed one). My adoptive little brother Starky and the rest
have had to put up with a much-changed version of myself for a good while
now. A little less kinder than usual and a bit more, well... spammy I guess
I can say without divulging too much information.

About a week or so ago I slipped on a wet ramp (oddly enough an ADA ramp, ie
wheelchair accessible). Apparently my bad balance and the way my feet don't
work quite properly along with wet concrete spelled a little trouble for me
and I cracked my mostly-healed-formerly-shattered ankle. Needless to say it
kinda sucks again.

But it gave me time to think about what I've been doing the last few months.
Long story short I'm taking a break from being online.
And really I need to focus more on healing my body instead of occupying
my mind. I know I'll never physically be the same again, but I need to
figure out how to get enough of what I had back so I can do the things
I want to do that don't involve sitting in front of my PC with the only
"voice" is the clicking of my keyboard keys.

So yeah. Taking a break sounds like a good idea, and one I'll start
fairly soon. Just have to clean up some things around here.

Well, catch you all another time. Time for me to go 127.0.0.1

=======================

I know Sanctuary will be insufferably pleased with this news since I'm
public enemy #10 on her list at the very least. And she can let the
hamsters that control the server back out of their bomb shelters.

Atnevon, I still may call you. Never know with my evil brain. But if I
do know that it'll be a weekend since I love to spoil a good party *cackle*

I have no clue when or if I'll return. I just have to deal with everything.
Besides, chasing after fuzzies is too hard when you have to occupy both
hands with crutches (I'm thinking about outfitting them with dart launchers
or something to give me an edge....)

Oh yeah, and if anyone wants some frozen puppy meatballs I still have
about 20 pounds in the fridge. They taste quite good on spaghetti.

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#34
Atnevon

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It's sad to hear that you hurt yourself again :( Hopefully you heal quickly with as little pain in the process as possible.

I know Sanctuary will be insufferably pleased with this news since I'm
public enemy #10 on her list at the very least.


Your perceptions about Sanctuary here, I have to say, are a bit off target. She has fought for a lot of your posts to stay up quite a few times, and has done so not just because of your right to post here, but because she really does want you to have a place where you can feel comfortable without feeling pushed away. We both want that for you and neither of us will be pleased to see you go. You're not the enemy to us. You're someone we wish we could help more.

This site and the station are both here as homes to those that don't have other places to turn, and no matter what the subject, we'll always try to help someone out if they have a problem. Whether it's a person, a band, an organization, or those that can't speak up to ask for help on their own, it's what we're here to do. There will be times when we won't like the situation someone is in or the things that they've done when they've come to us for help, but that doesn't change our mission or our goal here. Often times its the situations you like the least where you can manage to do the most good, and that's what we're hoping happens here.

I've seen you do some amazing things in your time. You've been creative and clever and you even managed to extend the swiffer song. It's good having that person around, and of course there's always a place in my heart for Legend of the Red Dragon fans as well. ;) Don't kid yourself. You will be missed while you're away from here, even as much as you think you won't be.

You're a very intelligent man Star. You've proven that a number of times here, and when or if you decide to come back, know that our arms are open to you. There's a lot of good you could do in the world with your mind focused on the right things and in the right direction. It would be nice to see what you can do in that regard.

Here's to hoping that we see you again soon.

*sneaks in one of those guy hugs that turns into a pat on the back after a manly cough and a "how about those bears"*
The sky was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel. - William Gibson

#35
Starphoenix Koroias

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QUOTE=me of course
I know Sanctuary will be insufferably pleased with this news since I'm
public enemy #10 on her list at the very least.

QUOTE=Atnevon
Your perceptions about Sanctuary here, I have to say, are a bit off target

It's my sense of humor at work. I know she's already crying in her coffee and spilling the egg on the
table cause she can't see through the tears. *cackle*

But umm....yeah. Thanks <_< . o O(I think...) *cackle*

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#36
Starphoenix Koroias

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Okay, so after a little bit of almost not being here (except to catch a couple of birthdays I think...) why not
say I'm back by brining up this old chestnut?
So exactly how is the puppy-slaying, animal-beating, inquisitor of all things fuzzy doing?

Well...to those that love the little fuzzy bastards I've been sober for about 5 weeks (no blood!).
Why do I say "sober"...well why not? It's like putting a stopper on what people see as a bad habit.
I don't have a problem with it anymore. I find it a refreshing hobby...but therein lies the grating against
this society I got stuck with. besides with the puppy mills showing up in my state i have enough sitcoms to watch now. My poor torture kit is getting neglected though. *shrug*

yeah....but besides that the rest is mediocre enough to warrant me causing you fits again so here i am.

and btw Atnevon, whatever happened to the DDT transcript? that was months ago and it still ain't up <_<

oh and don't worry....i won't post the pictures i promised i would. most of them aren't very good for show anyways.

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#37
Starphoenix Koroias

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Hehe...I can already see Atnevon and Sactuary cringe over another post on this subject.
But this'll be the last, I figured I owed them what the resolution of months of trudging through the mental
swamp has yielded. It's been a loud, long and bloody road.

The end result.... I just really like tearing up living creatures. It might mean someday I'll finally crack and
try it on a person. Who knows? But yeah, something about the whole struggle-and-slasher bit really sets off some endorphins or something. The person I was working with figured it out after I skewered and deepfried his parakeet out of spite (metal kabob skewers really do a good job).

He wasn't upset. Just accepted it as collateral damage for trying to dig into my brain. We've gone our seperate ways for awhile now as he felt there's no more to be done short of having me strapped to a bed for the rest of my life with happy drugs being shot into me. And he wasn't about to offer that cause he knows it wouldn't really help anyways.

So I'm a hack-and-slasher with an IQ high enough to be a rocket scientist. I hear alof of the hack-and-slashers are like that though.... For those of you into reincarnation and such I'm an inquisitor born about 1000 years too late...or maybe right on time considering this world we live in.

Such that it is, some will consider it unfortunate for the world of beady-eyed fuzzies. But I consider it population control for the strays. After all, one person's stray could be another person's dinner if prepared correctly.

So ya, finally we reach the end of the story, but the story goes on elsewhere. If you're ever near where I live, don't mind the stains and the noises. Swing on by, sit on the porch, kick your feet up and have a chug of iced tea. Just don't pull the cord next to you....

// end string

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#38
Syrius

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I know I'm extremely late, but is this still the torture thread?




I like torture, provided its in in the form of bondage, and is being dished out by a hot angry chick with a problem with head-shaved men.
So uh.......................anyone like that here? huh? huh? ;)
I walk the path of Darkness, people say I'm evil for it, I say they are wrong.
Light and Dark by themselves are neutral entities, sure good generally chooses the light, while evil generally chooses the dark. However, it is not the path you walk, but how you walk it. It is not the power you weild, but how you weild it.

#39
Starphoenix Koroias

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Eek, here I am bumping a thread I started years ago....

 

Well just to let you know, I reread this entire thing and have some news to update you on if you still follow this.

 

If not, try not to squirm too much.

 

----

Okay I'm not "fixed" or "healed" as one could say in a clinical sense. I still do the odd work. But something in me abated awhile ago.
i made friends for the first time in awhile. and that seemed to help. and people that I thought were gone slowly reappeared in my life.

 

i guess i've been too occupied to do what i used to do.

 

it doesn't mean i haven't nailed a rabbit to a tree out back lately.... i still do it when i get that twitch in the dead of the night.

 

Atnevon, I guess I never called you.... even though a few nights I really really wanted to. I guess I just didn't feel right doing it.

I guess largely because it would've been 2 or 3 am and I would've woke you up a grumbling and mumbling mess only to hear about

why i was strangling a rabbit in my left  hand while I was talking to you.

 

Yeah I still don't think that being more sociable really helped, it just keep me busy. Still, I'm back to nights being alone and being bored
and thinking those things.

 

All the advisors and therapists failed me pretty much. I've just kinda gone about it on my own. I'm still no closer to any answers than I was those years ago. I guess some things in life aren't meant to be answered.

 

Or maybe one day I'll go a step too far and nail some dog or cat or other thing to a fence or tree and have one of those weird life-altering moments that make you figure shit out in one flash and bang.

-----

 

Anyways.... yeah just figured i'd bring up this dead horse and take a stab at it since that's what I like to do.

 

And Atnevon, i've kept your number in my phone all this time... just so you know someday i might take you up on that, maybe for a different reason that originally intended but perhaps not. i often wondered why i never pushed the "call" button though....


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