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The Commandments of Spam


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#1
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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Prayer of the Spam Worshippers

Cast ye the spam that doth live for 1000 years into the pit of nobility! Cast ye the briquet of coal into the pit that thou mayeth cook the spam! Cast ye a match lit by the flames of speech onto the briquet that thou may lightest the spam! Cast ye a skewer born of spite into the spam that ye mayeth retrive the spam! Wield thee a fork of silver and plate of paper so though mayest eat the spam! And then taketh thee a few Tums for the heartburn causeth by the spam....
Hallowed by thine meat, or great canned wonder beith that name of Spam! Praise thy salty taste and texture of gelatin that the masses may hunger no more! Amen.

Spam Worshippers Anthem -- "Spam" by Weird Al Yankovic

1.) Thou shalt hold Spam the highest of meats, and shalt have no other meats before it.

2.) Thou shalt not speak the name of Spam in vain, or useth it for bathroom grout.

3.) Thou shalt honour thy producer of Spam, for theyest art good.

4.) Thou shalt honour thy canner of Spam, for theyest art truly noble.

5.) Thou shalt honour thy seller of Spam with colored paper of all denominations, for this is thine offerring of
tithe to the Spam.

6.) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Spam, unless ye be out of thine own Spam, in which case thou mayest
covet thy neighbor's Spam with showing of drool.

7.) Thou shalt not steal thy Spam, unless thy Spam be stolen first.

8.) Thou shalt keep sacred the birthdate of Spam, and keep it holy.

9.) Thou shalt not destroy thine marketplace if theyest be out of Spam, for thy Spam cometh soon.

10.) Thou must eateth Spam in a variety of ways.

11.) Thou shalt not eateth of the Spam which doth flap in the wind.

12.) Thou shalt eateth of the Spam thou has waved into the flames of thine campfire.

13.) Thou shalt eateth the Spam which hath fallen upon the ground using the three-second rule.

14.) Thou shalt not wasteth the Spam, for thine Spam maketh good pet food.

15.) Thou can eateth the spam from any tree upon this land save for the tree grown on thine patch of cow
patties lest ye be shown how that spam doth give you headtrips.

16.) Thou shalt eat Spam straight from the can when thouest must.

17.) Thou shalt eat Spam fried upon the pan of righteousness.

18.) Thou shalt eat Spam in burger form.

19.) Thou shalt dress Spam in a gourmet setting to give thine Spam its due.

20.) Thou shalt preach the tastiness of Spam.

21.) Thou shalt visit once a year the holy ground on which Spam is born.

22.) Thou shalt find new ways to eateth thy Spam.

23.) Thou shalt not use thy Spam in a foodfight.

24.) Thou shalt use thy Spam as halloween candy.

25.) Thou shalt barbacue Spam and serve it as steaks.

26.) Thou shalt not leave thy Spam alone in a foreign place.

27.) Thou shalt not abandon thy Spam to unknown fates.

28.) Thou shalt not put thy Spam in the trunk of thy car.

29.) Thy Spam shall sitteth in a place of reverence until it doth be eaten.

30.) Thou shalt not use Spam for fish chum.

31.) Thou shouldest puree Spam for thine infants.

32.) Thou shouldest puree Spam for thine elders.

33.) Thou shalt wear the empty cans of thine Spam as jewelry to show that thouest art truly eater of Spam.

34.) Thou shalt make cans of Spam into hubcaps for thine vehicle.

35.) Thou shalt not make cans of Spam into armor for thine vehicle.

36.) Thou shalt not make cans of Spam into false currency to buy Spam.

37.) Thou shalt barter thine overprice electronics to eat Spam when thou hath no currency.

38.) Thou shalt use cans of Spam as decoration for thine living space.

39.) Thou shalt not attempt to petrify Spam to use as a weapon.

40.) Exception to #39, thou mayest use thy Spam as a weapon if thouest must smite a vegetarian from the
face of this world, for vegetarians are bane to Spam.

41.) Thou shalt not become a vegetarian, lest ye be smited by the followers of Spam.

42.) Thou shalt hold a convention with thine fellow followers to honor thine Spam.

43.) Thou shalt see Spamalot just because.

44.) Thou shalt not make love to thine Spam, even if thou dost loveth thine Spam.

45.) Thou shalt not make thine furniture of Spam, even if thou dost loveth the texture of thine Spam.

46.) Thou shalt defend thine Spam in Spam's hour of need.

47.) Thou shalt petition for Spam vending machines worldwide.

48.) Thou shalt elect Spam your country's next leader.

49.) Thou shalt seek to expand upon these Commandments of Spam.

50.) And lastly, thou shalt appreciate the hard work of he that hath taken the time to write these lines for
the glory of Spam, lest ye be labelled vegetarian and smited by the followers of Spam.

Edited by starphoenixkoroias, 17 June 2009 - 01:47 AM.

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#2
Shattered Skulls

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*Falls over laughing.*

Seriously...this was hilarious. xD

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#3
Starphoenix Koroias

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*Falls over laughing.*

Seriously...this was hilarious. xD


I've either got that response, one of complete dismay (from overbearing religious folks) or people who called the nut house to see if the presidential suite was ready for me.

Thanks :P

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I'm a good cook, really!


#4
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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Dateline: Sunday August 22 2009
Location: Temple of Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Austin, Minnesota
Source: The Austin Daily Herald

(Reuters) -- Today in a phenominal move dedicated to worldwide Spam worshippers the Geo. A. Hormel & Company has dedicated a temple to their legendary canned meat product. Spam is historically known to be a significant reason for the allies winning World War II. Spam was credited for turning the tide of hunger and malnutrition for troops during the bitter war. The original name was "Hormel spiced ham", but due to the limits of military technology, the name was shortened to Spam.
The temple will house in a shrine one of the original 100 cans of Spam, as well as historical documents and artwork dating back to 1948. His Most Serene High Holy Father Grand Poomba Maharishi James George Spamicus I (formerly known as James George Michaelson) will bless the temple at its grand opening December 29, 2009.

The "Commandments of Spam" are being carved into rare red jade mined from undisclosed mountains in China by master artisans. These red jade tablets will be 20 feet high and 12 feet wide and 2 feet thick to be housed in the temple proper. These tablets will be shipped under armed escort by a special United Nations convoy to arrive in time for the temple's blessing, where the tablets will be installed.

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http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#5
Sanctuary

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OMG LMFAO!!!

That was great!
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Sometimes it's in the darkness that we truly learn to see.

I'm Dexter in training - so watch it! Imma watchin' you!

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

#6
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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OMG LMFAO!!!

That was great!


Wait until my next post on this (after this one of course.....) I am concocting another little tidbit.

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#7
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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Dateline: Thursday December 17 2009
Location: Temple of Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Austin, Minnesota
Source: The Austin Daily Herald

(Associated Press) -- The Austin Police Department reported that last night around 11:30pm a band of vegetarian terrorists calling themselves the Antioxidant Alliance Samurais (or ASS as they like to be called) set fire to the Temple of Eternal Meats. 27 members of ASS were found at the scene after Austin Police and the Minnesota State Police responded to a call of a "massive smell of barbacue and pachoulli". Police quickly subdued the ASS members by firing petrified Spam pellets at them using high-powered assault rifles. 9 ASS members were hospitalized in critical condition in an undisclosed hospital, and the rest are currently being held without bail in the Austin City Prison.
The Temple suffered nearly $ 790,000 in damages from the fire and a Temple official went on the record saying (quote) "This dastardly deed will not be forgetting. Although the Temple of Eternal Meats has sustained a great damage, we will endeavor to rebuild as quickly as possible. The members of ASS that are responsible will be punished to the fullest extent of our laws." The official also stated that they would summon their contractors back as soon as possible to assess a time frame. The Temple was scheduled to be opened December 29, 2009.
ASS Members posted thousands of comments on their Twitter site praising the arson. The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers Myspace site also has similar comments in complete outrage.

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I'm a good cook, really!


#8
Shattered Skulls

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*...can't help it. Falls over again.*

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted Image
Posted ImageI see what you did there.Posted Image
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(Angelina Jolie)

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We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?


#9
Starphoenix Koroias

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I haven't thought about this string in awhile...I think it's time I concoct some more. I need to go eat a grilled Spamburger to get in the mood.

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http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#10
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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Dateline: Thursday November 24, 2011
Location: Temple of Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Austin, Minnesota
Source: The Austin Daily Herald

(Associated Press) -- This morning, the Austin Police Department as well as a division of the Minnesota State Police were called to the Temple of Eternal Meats after a riot broke out between the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers and the Occupy Movement. Apparently members of the Occupy Movement deemed Spam to be a reason for the economic collapse of the United States and sat in a semi-circle around the temple gates blocking anyone from entering or exiting the temple. When the Paladins of Eternal Meats came out and asked them Occupy members to leave a space where people could enter and exit safely, random jalapenos and other hot peppers were thrown at the paladins and they were forced to retreat into the temple.
The paladins came back out, armed with tazers and began subduing the unruly Occupy members. A huge foodfight broke out, where vegetables were hurled at the paladins and the temple itself. Paladins were forced to enforce commandment #40, using petrified Spam to smite the Occupy members as vegetarians.
When the police arrived, several Occupy members had chunks of Spam forced down their throats, and one member of the paladins had to be taken to the emergency room for vegetable poisoning. An officer in charge did not give an official comment, however, he did say that it was the worst carnage he had seen at the temple since May of last year when the People Usurping Spam Sellers Yearly (PUSSY) tried to take out the Temple of Eternal Meats mobile gift shop and destroyed 100 cans of limited edition Bacon Spam. The trial
ended this past March with the members of PUSSY being charged with 100 counts of religious persecution and were sentenced to 15 years in prison and upon release must serve 9000 hours of community service at the temple.
This current riot had 69 members of the Occupy Movement taken into custody, pending charges.

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I'm a good cook, really!


#11
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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From the Historical Archives of the Temple of the Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Dateline: Tuesday February 2, 2010
Location: Temple of Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Austin, Minnesota
Source: The Austin Daily Herald

(Associated Press) -- Today the Temple of Eternal Meats was officially christened and opened to the public. The temple's original grand opening originally slated for December 29, 2009 was delayed due to a massive vandalism attack on December 17. The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers feverishly worked to repair all the vandalism and restored the temple back to the state it was required so that it could be opened as quickly as possible. His Most Serene High Holy Father Grand Poomba Maharishi James George Spamicus I (formerly known as James George Michaelson) blessed the temple after a grand parade leading from Austin Town Hall to the Temple proper.
After the blessing, His Most Serene High Holy Father Grand Poomba Maharishi James George Spamicus I gave a rousing speech and spoke of the vile attack committed by the Antioxidant Alliance Samurais (who called themselves ASS, a typo that was never remedied by their organization).
The members of ASS were captured by the Austin Police Department just two weeks prior to the temple opening. The five-member crew (of whom are all anonymous due to lack of identification of any type) were booked and held for trial. The trial never began however, as all five members were found in their cells having been choked to death with petrified spam having been shoved down their throats. The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers are currently under investigation, but it appears that the attack may have been organized by overzealous fans of spam that were incarcerated at the time. The police have said their investigation will take roughly six weeks to complete.
In related news, talks began in Salt Lake City to open up a branch office of The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were phoned by the AP, however they have refused to comment on the events.

style1,Starphoenix.png


http://www.aardwolf.com

 

I'm a good cook, really!


#12
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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From the Historical Archives of the Temple of the Eternal Meats for the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers
Dateline: Tuesday February 9, 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Source: Salt Lake City News, USA Today and World Report

(Reuters) -- Today in Salt Lake City, His Most Serene High Holy Father Grand Poomba Maharishi James George Spamicus I (formerly known as James George Michaelson)* landed by private jet today to meet with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The Salt Lake County Sherriff's Department provided a full convoy escort to the hotel where the meeting was to take place. Various members of the Salt Lake City community and of the Mormon Church gathered with a mix of reverence and protest. A large contingent of Spam faithful gathered together with the band Metallica playing a rewrite of their hit "Enter Sandman" as "Enter Spam Man" on the runway. The meeting is being held behind closed doors and the media has been blocked from the event with meeting organizers citing the need for the utmost privacy. More will come as information is release.
The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers have also scheduled a meeting at Salt Lake City Hall tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. to field questions from the public regarding the possibility of a branch office for The Temple of Eternal Meats to be established in Salt Lake City. Among the topics are envirionmental impact of spam and the office in general as well as they Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers views on polygamous marriages. The Antioxidant Alliance Samurais have been reported to stage a protest at townhall, which includes a mass firing of oranges using high-powered t-shirt cannons. Salt Lake City authorties have said they will beef up patrols in the area to prevent such an attack. The Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers have gone on record condemning the plot citing lifestyle discrimination and violations under the Patriot Act.

*Due to the requirements of reporting on the Holy Hand of Spam worshippers, this full title as well as mention of the original name must be printed in all media articles until such time that a suitable shortened version is released by the Holy Hand of Spam Worshippers.

Edited by Starphoenix Koroias, 28 November 2011 - 12:01 AM.

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I'm a good cook, really!


#13
Starphoenix Koroias

Starphoenix Koroias

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I dunno if I'll ever work this thread again... maybe with sufficient yet gentle prodding someday :(

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I'm a good cook, really!


#14
Shattered Skulls

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So many dead threads...

 

:(


Posted Image
Posted ImageI see what you did there.Posted Image
Posted ImageA fractured mind is a beautiful thing.Posted Image
Posted ImageThe internet is for...Posted Image
"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, I'd rather be completely fucking mental!"
(Angelina Jolie)

Posted Image

We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?





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