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relating to people
Posted 09 November 2010 - 11:12 PM
Just exactly what the fuck are you supposed to do after you do everything?
Posted 12 November 2010 - 07:11 PM
What happens when you've tried every trick, tip, technique, advice, plan, scheme, and thought on how to relate to other people and you come up short? After every possible avenue you just can't seem to bridge the gap far enough and people walk away from you. Is there a point you can actually try too hard? Or is there even more you can do? I've done everything I can...I just fail.
Just exactly what the fuck are you supposed to do after you do everything?
What are you trying to acccomplish, and what have you tried? Examples would help. :-)
Sometimes it's in the darkness that we truly learn to see.
I'm Dexter in training - so watch it! Imma watchin' you!
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill
Posted 12 November 2010 - 07:42 PM
the only friend i seem to have lately or person i can talk to looks like an HP mini tower running Windows 7. It seems lately i'm people repellant despite trying to be the opposite. i truly just want to give up on people. the last year and change has been a social failure, it wouldn't normally bug me if it weren't for the fact i put effort into it. maybe i should just stay what i am to most people...a block of text.
Posted 18 November 2010 - 12:37 AM
For a long time now, years even maybe (i've long since stopped counting) I've had a few things in this life I have never been good at. Every person has these things, you simply can't be born without a flaw. I've had some time to think it over and try to piece together those things. I'm not going to go over these things, except for one.
---Difficulty making and keeping friends, relating to people, and finding a reason to keep going---Yep. Sounds simple enough to fix, but it's been the ONE thing I've never been good at. In school people hated me for reasons I never knew...really hated me. My last year of high school I finally stopped caring. College I seemed to be okay. After that it went backwards. People meet me in real-life and seem to be put off by me somehow. However, online I'm a much more accepted person. Maybe because everyone is putting on a show in a way and they can hide something. I really don't hide too much online as I"ve long since accepted that it doesn't matter, people are gonna have problems with me either way.
But I found one place I was relatively comfortable. Aardwolf. So ever since I've had the job I've had, I've had Aardwolf. The main advantage of being online is they never see you so they can't judge you by a look....the main disadvantage is that they never see you so they judge you anyways.
But I've had it alot harder in the last five or so years. Between a divorce and a car accident I've really kinda closed down a bit. It happens. I've never been a truly open person to begin with, although I do have moments.
The thing is the last year or two has been really hard, it's like I can't deal with people at all anymore. Even people I've known either online or in real-life have suddenly stopped being, well, friends. Or maybe it's something I can't figure out about me. So I tried to be a bit different, tried to lighten up a touch. In general, act like a more "normal" person. It resulted with a resounding thud.
Having my job be a total chaos doesn't help either. Not their fault, people move on. But I've felt like I was caught in the nexus of it all. So add really stressful job moments to the bag and you get .... me cracking.
Fast forward to September. I have a mental breakdown or a panic attack or whatever you wanna call it. I simply shut down. Work stress finally got me, I leave Aardwolf for a few weeks. October I take a vacation and try to mend my cracked and still-cracking mind (I didn't realize I was cracking still). Got back in touch on Aardwolf and tried to get to know a few more people online...bearing in mind that whatever it was it was. Well, I met one person and we seemed to get along really well, but at the same time I was still feeling crazy from work and I wasn't in my right frame of mind. Weird situation occurs and I don't just crack, I break. My brain melts down big time. And I lost it. Now, not only am I a mental wreck I'm emotionally unstable cause I can't figure out what the hell happened to me. And I go to the darkest of the dark places one can go in their broken mind. Well, a little fighting and I got my head back above water.
But I'm still not feeling right at all, I feel unstable. And add to it I'm physically in pain from it now. At least, I think that's what's causing it. So they only place left to go from broken is shattered. And I'm getting there.
Now the question is, who do I blame for this mess? Well truthfully the only person you can blame for your mind going to hell is yourself. In the end it is my fault. But the problem now is trying to figure out exactly when I started cracking.
Was it meeeting you, Aislinn, my new friend?... No. I can truthfully say that this was not the trigger for it. It might have looked like it to alot of people, and you might believe it but that just is not the case. And I want anyone that took the time to back the hell off her about it too.That leaves other things then. Sure the accident definitely left a dent in my psyche. There's something special about driving one second and waking up in the hospital the next with only scattered rememberances of other things in between. I know between the seatbelt and the airbag my entire rib cage should have been a jigsaw puzzle but all I got was a hell of a bruise. My ankles on the other hand were destroyed. I've just now started walking without crutches, and it's been almost 3 years.
Of course in that time there's the matter that I've stopped bothering to even look at people. Even my sister and my mother I have trouble talking to now. I think part of me did die in that accident, I'm just not sure what.
My divorce? 5 years ago this December coming up, I lost my daughter. That really did fuck me up. I mean, all the sudden my wife and kid are gone and I'm left wondering what the 5 years of marriage and 10 years of loving someone meant. So yeah I stopped feeling love at that point. But I still care for my family and my friends. I just don't feel love, I don't feel that desire anymore. Is my heart broken down?...I don't know.
Roughly 3 years before that my friend Tom Warman dies in a car accident and I lose the best real-life friend I've ever made. I don't remember his death day anymore, that information is lost to me. Or the other friends I hear about second- or even third-hand that have either died or disappeared or have told me to fuck off and die.
So what does this have to do with me and people? Well, think about it. The FEW people I've gotten to know and like are either dead, or online and distant from me. I have a new friend now in Aislinn and she's not sure she wants me as a friend. But seeing as how badly I've broken down I can't blame her. And I can't blame the others for wondering if it's time to leave me. I've never been good around people, that gift was passed on to my sister. I thought I was given the power to stand alone despite myself. Now I don't even have that.
I look at this and I wonder what I did wrong....what did I do or not do to cause people to want to just not be around me? Yes I can switch from being a kind-hearted person to a complete evil bastard pretty quick when I need to. Yes I enjoy things people find to be unnatural and wrong. And yes because of this mess my mind is in I'm a downright sad person to be around right now, full of the darkest of thoughts and the fact that the emotions that go with them are strong enough for me to let them win.
I've had ghosts, demons and dragons inside me my whole life. I grew up through school having less and less friends until I had none, and the few that I scraped together slowly vanished away. I've tried to relate and get along with people, to try to understand different things. In the end they go away on me.
Right now, I'm not sure I know what a friend is anymore. I'm losing the ability to tell the difference. Aislinn you fought so hard with me to help me try to understand, though you may not know it, I do appreciate it and care that you tried. The other people that tried to help me, the ones that have known me longest (well in terms of the fact they've known my name longest and have gotten to know real-life aspects of me) can't invest the time in it. I'm too much for the most important person to handle right now -- I'm too much for myself. I don't see how I can expect anyone else to handle me.
In the end, it has to be my fault. I knew what I had behind me, I should've seen what was coming. It's nobody's job but mine to keep myself together. I'm broken, but not quite shattered yet....although I feel it happening to me. Although my sister and my mother would recommend something for me, I know in my heart that is not the answer for me. That helps them, it won't help me. Yes, the thought of just dying has crossed me...quite powerfully when I was sitting on a cold, lonely dead-end highway staring out at the ocean. I don't want to lose the people I have left, but how I can ask them to stay when I'm losing myself in this mess? ... But to the few that saw me break, I can only ask that you stick with me and hope in the end I dig out of this. I'm not asking you to let me lean on you, just simply be there to give me a little hope I guess.
I'm not really looking for your comments on this, I not sure what this will help me solve. I just can't keep it inside me anymore, I know the emotions themselves are killing me a little at a time now.
Btw Aislinn, yes I really do appreciate the fact you tried so hard. I don't want to lose you as a friend now just because I'm starting to lose myself again.
I know I'm going to get worse because I feel it coming. I'm blood and tears waiting to happen, one person fighting a legion of his ghosts, demons and dragons and not sure how he's still fighting them. I'm not even sure I'll survive myself at this rate anymore. I really don't know what's holding me up right now, maybe that part of me is all I've got left. Even when I want to stab myself in the heart and blow my own brains out for good measure, I'm somehow still too damn stubborn to give up. But if I do give up I'll know in the end it really is my fault.
Posted 19 November 2010 - 11:11 AM
If you ever do come back, I'm sure you'll be welcome. I've been with this crowd for 4 years - I'm not 'old school', really, but they kinda know me a little and we've kinda gotten to know you a little. They seem to be pretty welcoming to just about anyone. So, when you get your head back together, hopefully you'll come back and chat us up again.
Until then...good luck, man.
I see what you did there.
A fractured mind is a beautiful thing.
The internet is for...
"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, I'd rather be completely fucking mental!"
We're all born the same way: wet, cold, and screaming; life is just as messy as death.
We all eat, drink, piss, shit, fuck, and die. Someone mind tellin' me the punch line?
Posted 19 November 2010 - 01:21 PM
When we look around at the world out there and don't feel accepted or able to connect with others, I think that the gut instinct (at least for me this is the case) is to try to connect with everyone we encounter, or even to try to connect with a large group of people. The way the math goes, you figure that if you try reaching out broadly, maybe not everyone will bite, but it seems like the chances are greater of hitting one or two 'leads' for those that you might be able to connect to. In practice though, this approach I think can be the wrong one to take for a lot of people.
Taking a blanket effect can indeed stretch your desire to connect out to a broader audience, but at the same time it stretches you thin, and the bits of yourself that you're projecting out to the world can be unfocused enough so that they can get lost in the jumble of everyone else's inner monologue.
I think that the solution isn't to try to connect with everybody, it's to connect to one or two people and forget about the rest. This is also the most scary part of getting out there though, because you are indeed throwing all your eggs into one basket. If that one person you connect with drifts away from you, it's a very scary thing to take on, and seems like it leaves you right back where you were before. But the important thing is having made that connection, no matter how it works out in the end. You find the time you have with that person, however short or long it may be, as a time you can be a little more of yourself, and every moment of that is well worth the dedication it takes.
You may already be headed on this path though, from your tellings of Aislinn, and I think that you've chosen the right one to walk down. Spend the time you have with her focused on enjoying it and I really do believe that something good will come of it.
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