"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy"
-Tom Waits
The story of Spider is an epic one. Evolving from Neanderthal, to Viking, to Pirate and then finally to Lumberjack, Monsieur Spider travelled the world in search for the mighty AOD (Axe Of Destiny). Everyone he had went to, chased him away because all he could speak was France, and the dirty Americans told him "In America, you are as pretty as a potato, and you will amount to nothing". All he could translate was " You are" then "a potato". So frequently, you will hear his mighty, epic battle cry "JE SUIS UNE POMME DE TERRE!!!" He decided to become a crime fighting Lumberjack Pirate, donning his eye patch once more, and ejaculating full grown leprechauns.
It was one meek lad who first befriended Spider. He had heard that heroic battle cry of sheer awesomeness, and screamed for help. This lad was Atnevon The Unutterable. No one wanted to utter his name, mainly because they could not pronounce it. See in this time, Atnevon was a bread maker, selling yesterdays fresh bread today for 50 cents a loaf. Damn good bread. It was awesome. So as the epic story goes, Atnevon was in search of new herbs for his bread and got himself tied up by a marauding band of death metal emo kids.
Wow...
So as legend has it, He swung his mighty axe, and cut them down to size yelling "BAISE TOI!", with one epic swing to the other, the emo rebellion died down. He sworn to fight the evil of the Clearchannela and MTV evil empires to destroy the evils of Mainstreamistan. Mistaking the yelling Atnevon as a damsel in distress before, he was surprised to see who he was facing. "BREADMAAAN!" he said as he hugged him tight. So tight, it made Atnevons head loose and his mind broke. Soon after, Atnevon quite sincerely believed he as a Radio host and decided to broadcast streaming radio over the internette. Well, that didn't work because the internette could only hold 3 MP3's at a time, so he tried the internet. Fail. Finally, on Spiders discovery, the intraweb was formed. At the time of Spiders awesome discovery of the intraweb, Atnevon had tought him English, how to bathe, and how to shave. To this day, Atnevon does not know hoe he became a radio intraweb DJ, however, nor does he care, because later that epic day his bread store blew up in a sheer pile of awesomeness. See, Spider side kicked the building because there was a fly on it, and he liked to hear them squish, so with a mighty kick, well... you get the idea, but that fly was HONOURED to be squished by such an awesome Man. So happy he had a boner before he died. Like the unicorn on Chick Norris' Ring. Chuck Norris is on Spiders belt buckle, sporting a bone, because you would too if you were on Spiders belt buckle. One time, Spider saved 50 men from a death of peril merely with his boner, using it as a club. With one heroic swing and a chug of rum, he knocked them all down and STILL got his schoolwork done.
Spider later joined Second Shifters, as Atnevon wanted to find a way to thank him for saving his life. Spider can be found playing industrial, EBM, IDM, and metal music on Second Shifters, when not grunting in the microphone. He enjoys art, games, music, knowledge, and awesomeness.
